Football: RANDOM NFL THOUGHTS

RANDOM NFL THOUGHTS
by Justin Henry

Ending September with a series of little quibbles and acerbics.

*If every NFL head coach that I believe is going to be fired at or by the end of the season ends up being fired, a third of the league will be gone (Mangini, Zorn, Del Rio, Morris, Haley, Jauron, Cable, Fox, Phillips, possibly Kubiak, and a retirement from Fisher).

*Do you think if Browns management started fining Eric Mangini for every loss he incurs, he'd finally right the ship? Or is he self-loathing enough to the point where he'd enjoy it?

*Speaking of Mangini, I truly believe that if Patton Oswalt had to play a creepy killer or pervert on Law and Order: SVU, the make-up people would give him a Mangini-esque appearance.

*The Lions have one more win than last year. Tennessee needs to go 13 for 13 to match their own 2008 record. What is this?

*The Redskins fans are aghast and appalled that they were beaten by a team that had not won since just before Christmas 2007. But if you think about it, they lost to a team with a) a better head coach, b) a quarterback with greater upside, and c) a team that knows how to supplement a talented wide receiver. In other words, the Redskins were beaten by the better team. Sorry, guys.

* The game that Gus Johnson performs commentary for has to be the one with the greatest amount of offensive fantasy implications. If it looks like it's going to be a shoot out, get Gus to the stadium, stat! Oh, and bring cough drops.

*When you're dipping a Tostito chip into a bowl of sour cream, expecting greatness and immense flavor, and you pull it out with just a thin coating of gunk on the sides of the chip, is that the equivalent of being a Jets fan on draft day? Except this year, the chip came out with enough cream to paint a wall mural with. Disregard that analogy, please.

*When your performance at quarterback is so poor on Sunday, that you're demoted to the number three spot on the depth chart come Monday, your confidence isn't just shattered. It's been ground into dust, poured into a Ziplock bag, and sold to Timmy Smith in exchange for his Super Bowl ring. Speaking of rings, at least Byron Leftwich can wear his to Buccaneers team functions and still feel good about himself.

* The name Josh Johnson just sounds like an alias. I don't know why.

* Forget about New Orleans. It's Houston that should get consideration for the "Greatest Show on Turf" moniker! It's the only team I've seen where you could start their entire offense on your fantasy squad, score 145 points, and the only way you could lose was if your opponent started the opposing team's offense. Defense? What's that?

* The easiest way to make Maurice Jones-Drew highlight packages is to just pore through his games against the Texans. You don't even have to do that much extensive research.

* New England's dead? Really? Because I saw them just frustrate the fantasy owners of Michael Turner and Roddy White with a paint-by-numbers drubbing of Atlanta. Wasn't like there was anything fancy to it, either. The Patriots just simply overmatched them on time of possession, total yards and far less penalty yards. In other words, declaring Belichick to be dead apparently only makes him mad.

* Remember when Tampa Bay was on the cusp of the post-season last year? So does Jon Gruden. Bucs fans can watch him on Monday Night Football every time they need a nostalgia fix to cure the pain.

* If you date Tara Reid and then spend a few years getting the proper penicillin shots, you can one day be a decent quarterback again. It worked for Kyle Boller and he's feeling great! See you in a few more years, more-effective Matt Leinart!

*2020 will be the year that Aaron Rodgers retires, only to come back, throw the Packers under the bus, sign with someone else (Al Davis will hire him, and he’ll still be alive), and throw away all of his goodwill. No wait, he has class and dignity. What am I saying?

* Mark Sanchez just showed off a new dimension of himself: the ability to put a team away in the fourth quarter after playing tight all game long. Still waiting for his kryptonite to be revealed. On a side note, I dug the fans at Giants Stadium wearing Rey Mysterio masks to support Sanchez. Though I think deep down, he’d prefer they dress as La Parka. And who doesn’t love La Parka?

* The more that you keep Kerry Collins in the games when the team keeps losing, the closer you drive Vince Young to flying the coup, playing for a team that can make bad quarterbacks look decent (Denver, Dallas, Kansas City, et al), and realizing his potential. When you can’t get your job back from an aging drunk that’s never seen a Norelco razor in his life, you have the confidence level of….well, of Byron Leftwich.

* Phil Simms and Troy Aikman demonstrate the necessity for all college football players to try and get at least a bachelor’s in journalism. But you already knew that. You watch the games, right? Unless you have it on mute.

* Congratulations, Kevin Kolb, on an outstanding performance! As a reward, we monogrammed your headset with your initials. Have fun talking to Donovan from the sidelines for the rest of the season. Once again, congratulations!

* If Todd Haley was my dad, I think I’d be hiding under my bed every time he came home from work.

* I refuse to give Brett Favre credit for anything. That said, where was Greg Lewis when we needed that kind of awesomeness from him in Philadelphia? Way to blossom now. Jerk. Do I sound bitter?

* Terrell Owens did not have a single catch on Sunday. I guess now Jerry Rice will come out of the woodwork and complain, saying that a man of TO’s stature should be thrown to. Or not.

* Seattle’s uniforms make me want to go to Rita’s Water Ice and get something lime.

* Let’s all take some time and think about the previous thoughts I’ve posted here. While I’m doing that, Carson Palmer will continue his comeback bid, the young kids on the Bengals will continue to develop, and Cincinnati will contend for the division title well into December. You think I’m kidding? Just watch.

* The NFL Network has two new jobs: amend their “Top Ten Draft Busts” special to include JaMarcus Russell, and destroy any and all video footage of their analysts calling Josh McDaniels an idiot.

* For those of you wondering how LaDainian Tomlinson can just become a broken down shell of his former self, turn into an injury-report mainstay, lose his job to somebody the size of Robert Blake, and possibly vanish from the NFL altogether, here’s your homework assignment: go out and find Shaun Alexander.

* I think the Miami Dolphins, who were 1-15 in 2007, got a wee bit jealous when the Lions went 0-16 last year, and are now trying to tie their record. It’s the only explanation that makes sense.

* Speaking of ‘returning to form’, welcome back Arizona!

When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded columnist or author. He tweets at http://twitter.com/mindofjrhsports and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.