WEEK 7 NFL PICKS
by Justin Henry
8-6 the week before? Paradise compared to 7-7 last week. Parity's beginning to set in. Injuries are taking their toll. Surprises are happening at an alarming pace. Desperation reeks. Death is in the air. The coldness of autumn will soon give way to the bleak--er, maybe I'm being too dramatic. But I cannot tolerate .500 in my picks, even though two or three of you read them! This week, only thirteen games on the docket, so I either succeed or fail. No purgatory! Errr, sorry for the dramatics again.
This week's theme: Braveheart. If I'm going to be dramatic, let's let William Wallace, brilliantly portrayed by modern self-parody Mel Gibson, take us through October's end.
LAST WEEK: 7-7
Minnesota at Pittsburgh
"Every man dies, not every man really lives." - William Wallace (Mel Gibson)
I still have a hard time dealing with the media acting as if Brett Favre is the cure for all of Minnesota's ails, when it's a complete defense, young receivers, and Adrian Peterson's iron will that have made the Vikings a dominant force. Let's see how goeth the team should that o-line sustain a serious injury or two. The old Brett Favre, the one who flutters passes rather than take a sack, would be instantly recognizable. I think we'll see Dick Lebeau's army chew their way to Favre, make him make his classic mistakes, and end any flirtation the Vikes have with perfection. This will be the model for all Minnesota opponents the rest of the way to follow.
MY PICK: Pittsburgh 20, Minnesota 14
San Francisco at Houston
"We all end up dead, it's just a question of how and why." - William Wallace (Mel Gibson)
Ah, one of my new pleasures: watching Houston come up with fresh and interesting ways to destroy a good defense. Cincinnati was becoming a story of the year, but then Matt Schaub used Owen Daniels as quite the handy murder weapon on them. It's an offense with too many tools of destruction. If Mike Singletary couldn't get his defense ready for the Matt Ryan onslaught, this might be even worse. Michael Tuner ran them over, and Steve Slaton is, as they'd say in NBA Jam, "heating up".
MY PICK: Houston 27, San Francisco 17
San Diego at Kansas City
"You don't speak Latin? Well that's something we shall have to remedy, isn't it?" - Argyle Wallace (Brian Cox)
Tell you this, I'm digging Todd Haley. The Chiefs are a group of average, if not outright lousy, players, and yet he nearly willed them to beat Dallas, following up with a confident victory over the sorry Redskins. Haley seems eager to beat the game and do the difficult and the impossible, and I love his spirit. San Diego may be looking past them, and why wouldn't they? Exactly. It's the Chiefs. But the counterpoint is just the same: it's the Chiefs. Don't call it an upset, call it a dose of a future reality. Todd Haley will one day field a contender in the Show Me State, but for now, he'll just create fits for some good teams. Starting with the Chargers.
MY PICK: Kansas City 20, San Diego 17
Green Bay at Cleveland
"Before we let you leave, your commander must cross that field, present himself before this army, put his head between his legs, and kiss his own arse." - William Wallace (Mel Gibson)
I like the Browns for 2010, but at the moment, they're an addled army led by an incompetent miser in Eric Mangini. I think many Browns fans would love to see the 'Man-Genius' humiliated (as well as Jets and Patriots fans, who could never get sick of such a thing). I'd start Aaron Rodgers in fantasy, but he'll be sitting by halfway through the third quarter. Pucker up, Eric.
MY PICK: Green Bay 34, Cleveland 7
Indianapolis at St. Louis
"Some men are longer than others." - Hamish (Brendan Gleeson)
Do I need a long paragraph here? Or can I just say "Robo-Peyton vs. eleven plastic army men" and we can let that tell the story? Yeah, thought so.
MY PICK: Indianapolis 38, St. Louis 3
New England at Tampa Bay
"At last, you know what it means to hate. Now you're ready to be a king." - Robert's Father (Ian Bannen)
Tom Brady on Sunday, boy, was he ever malicious. Tennessee was like a kid in a wheelchair who accidentally drove his motorized cart over Brady's shoelace. Brady got about twenty months worth of frustration ventilated on a weak, deficient defense. Feels probably as good as conceiving genetically perfect children with Gisele I assume. It was a thrill kill, and I doubt Brady's anywhere close to done. What's a little stat padding against Tennessee when you can do the same thing with the anemic Buccaneers? If you like sequels, tune in Sunday. On the bright side, the Bucs get to see how much their owner is hated in London. Chip chip cheerio!
MY PICK: New England 47, Tampa Bay 10
Buffalo at Carolina
"I'm dying. Let me be." - Campbell (James Cosmo)
Unlikely win over the Jets aside, the clock's ticking for Dick Jauron, especially with his "best" quarterback in Trent Edwards getting his brain splattered. Who was the last great Harvard player in the NFL? Yeah, I don't know either, but Ryan Fitzpatrick is certainly not 'great'. Carolina's got a little momentum going, and it'll carry over at home when they beat a fellow bad team. Suddenly, John Fox may not have to print those resumes out. At least, not yet.
MY PICK: Carolina 17, Buffalo 10
New York Jets at Oakland
"I know you can fight. But it's our wits that make us men." - Malcolm Wallace (Sean Lawlor)
The Jets' killer defense is looking like a one trick pony, but it's not their fault. Any great defense is thrown into the fire when the suddenly-mortal sensation quarterback (in this case, Mark Sanchez) keeps turning the ball over. Sooner or later, the unbreakable will break. Three straight losses will lead to some personel switches from Coachasaurus Rex, and Oakland's feel good win last week over Philadelphia will become a distant memory.
MY PICK: New York 24, Oakland 10
Atlanta at Dallas
"Who is this person who speaks to me as though I needed his advice?" - Longshanks (Patrick McGoohan)
Dallas is coming off of a bye, but hey, so was Chicago when Atlanta edged them out. I've still yet to see Tony Romo take play-calling from Wade Phillips, which raises an interesting thought. Would Jerry Jones fire Phillips and promote Jason Garrett, even though Wade's the perfect patsy and Garrett would probably see through any of Jerry Jones' scheming? Romo and Garrett communicate without the tubby middleman seemingly well enough. It'll be their loss if Garrett goes to be a head coach elsewhere. As for this game, the Cowboys defense hasn't been at its best this season, mostly due to injuries, and Atlanta's got too complete an offense to let them establish control. If you make the 49ers look dumb, and then hold off a rested Chicago, wouldn't you go with the Falcons?
MY PICK: Atlanta 24, Dallas 17
Chicago at Cincinnati
"And the common man, who bleeds on the battlefield, does he risk less?" - William Wallace (Mel Gibson)
One of the best human interest stories this year is Cedric Benson. The Bears lost faith in him, though they had good reason, and his name was tainted. When you're tainted, what do you do? Duh, you go to the Bengals! Problem: Carson Palmer is healthy, there are receivers to compliment Chad, and the defense is showing signs of life for the first time since Clinton was blowing into a sax on Arsenio Hall. To beat the band, Cedric Benson seems to have his life in order and he's a machine once again. Forget that loss to Houston last week, this Bengals team is for real. The Bears may be stinging after last week, but the sting continues.
MY PICK: Cincinnati 24, Chicago 20
New Orleans at Miami
"....they may take our lives, but they'll never take... OUR FREEDOM!" - William Wallace (Mel Gibson)
The Saints are intimidating, but good luck trying to get the Dolphins to run a traditional offense. After New Orleans had their way with Eli Manning last week, it's going to be a daunting task trying to knock them off. But you know, the NFL is quite unpredictable, isn't it? That's why I'm taking the serious underdog here. Miami's best chance at winning lies in organized confusion, and I think Ronnie Brown carves his path through a good-but-not-great Saints D. Wildcat will be the order of the day, and Dolphins steal it in a shootout.
MY PICK: Miami 31, New Orleans 28
Arizona at New York Giants
"I'm not a coward." - Robert the Bruce (Angus Macfadyen)
Eli Manning is actually quite the irritable punk, shoving Ahmad Bradshaw from behind during a miscommunication that led to an INT against the Saints. Hit him face to face if you're a real leader. That said, I think Eli and company go "Tom Brady" on Arizona, doing serious offensive damage to compensate for whatever emptiness they feel. Kurt Warner can hold up for a while, but this isn't Seattle's defense he's up against. It'll be like last week for each team, except precisely the opposite
MY PICK: New York 34, Arizona 21
Philadelphia at Washington
"Saying goodbye in their own way. Playing outlawed tunes on outlawed pipes." - Argyle Wallace (Brian Cox)
Let's face it: Jim Zorn was fired. When they won't let you call the plays anymore, then you're out of a job. All that saved him was the fact that the players came out and collectively called Daniel Snyder a moron, essentially daring him to fire Zorn. So this is the "compromise", so to speak. The Eagles are still licking their wounds from the embarassing loss to Oakland, which saw a 6'8" monster named King Dunlap get pushed around by an average defense, and Jeremiah Trotter demonstrate glacier-like speed in chasing down running backs. Philly seems to play better after laughable embarassments, and this time, I think they get to laugh. They'll still be #2 in Philly's hearts, but it's a start, right?
MY PICK: Philadelphia 27, Washington 14
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded columnist or author. He tweets at http://twitter.com/mindofjrhsports and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Football: RANDOM NFL THOUGHTS
RANDOM NFL THOUGHTS
by Justin Henry
Barreling into the trade deadline with some acerbic snacks
* I guess I better get it off my chest and talk about Philadelphia's performance yesterday. So here goes....I think the Phillies did an unbelievable job of getting to Kuroda early, hitting well in the cold, and pitching down on a tremendous hitting team in the Dodgers. I mean, c'mon, hanging only three hits on the NL West champions is...what? Oh, the Eagles? Good God man, how can I talk about Andy Reid's inability to reprogram the offensive line when baseball's World Ph'N Champions are striving to defend their crown?! Do you really want me to discuss Reid's tendency to overload on the pass when the run is working all too well, Jeremiah Trotter being unable to catch second-tier running backs, and Reid burning timeouts at bizarre times? Well, guess what, buddy? You better look elsewhere, because this is a HAPPY column! By "happy", I mean I always talk good about my teams. Unless you can find a subliminal message somewhere.
* REally now, I Don't thInk Some bAd game like that should waFfle Us any. Can't we Keep the faIth goiNG? MORe than yOu thiNk, yes.
* Memo to Steve Hauschka: if you miss a kick indoors at that distance, regardless of the situation, then you're not even good enough for the AFL. Quarterbacks can blame poor play because of the fact that they're defensed against. You don't even have THAT excuse. I wouldn't be so mad if you weren't on my fantasy team. As Andy Reid would say, "I take full responsibility..."
* Speaking of fantasy, I had Tom Brady and Wes Welker on my fantasy team and didn't start them. Can anyone loan me some cyanide?
* Did anyone else see Eli Manning shove Ahmad Bradshaw? The last time a white boy from an upper class upbringing shoved a convicted felon from behind....well, I can't remember the last time it happened, but it probably didn't end well for whitey. You never see Peyton shove anyone, do you? Probably because of the "no shoving" clause in his various endorsement contracts.
* Speaking of Eli, if that had been any other player other than the media darlings (Favre, Brady, the Mannings, Romo, Sanchez) shoving his teammate like that, it would have dominated SportsCenter. Just saying.
* Drew Brees was a second round pick. Every team had a chance to draft him. It's worth noting.
* Call me crazy, but I get that suspicious feeling that Cleveland is going to do some damage next season. They'll need a better QB to be sure, but they've fought hard against tougher opponents this year. It's that bizarre effect where your roster is littered with no-name talent, but they band together as allies and work hard with no egos in the way. Trading away Edwards and Winslow may seem dumb from people who strictly follow the fantasy game, but when you create open casting for the lead roles on the team, it unleashes a wave of motivation amongst these lower tier guys. Besides, imagine the cap room for next year if they can ship away Brady Quinn's monster deal. If in 2010, Cleveland and Cincinnati take the top two spots while Baltimore and Pittsburgh dredge the ocean floor, don't say I didn't tell you.
* The above paragraph is contingent on Cincinnati not losing their entire comeback spark in yesterday's loss to Houston. Antwan Odom being hurt is that first ominous sign.
* Houston is confusing. They have the most irregular PMS cycle I've seen in a while out of a football team. Yes, I look for PMS cycles in football teams. Please don't judge me. I mean to say that they lose against teams they should crush, and definitively beat the teams they should struggle with. No wonder the NFL never promotes them: they can never be sure of what they're promoting.
* Detroit, welcome back! Where've you been?
* Tampa Bay may be 0-6, but Josh Johnson is the real deal. If he was playing for the Denver Broncos and Josh McDaniels right now, his jersey would be a top seller. Give him a coach who can scheme for a quarterback and design plays to match his style, and we're talking a born superstar. His quick release is so confusing for a defense to key on, and he's willing to step up and be the leader of guys who may not ordinarily listen to a 23 year old, second year nobody. Give him time. Success will follow him. If Raheem Morris turns up missing, the success will come quicker.
* With these 2 wins, John Fox is coming closer to saving his job. That might be funny if it wasn't so sad. So much for the Panthers joining the "Bradford/McCoy/yes, even Tebow" sweepstakes".
* Speaking of Tim Tebow, if he shoved a player, do you think ESPN would interview the shoved player and ask if all of his injuries were healed? I do.
* Todd Haley may be an angry, hotheaded whack job, but now he's an angry, hotheaded whack job with a win. The Chiefs are like a JV team full of good character people. They struggle and they struggle but, damn it, they feel like they can win if they just work hard enough. All they lack is a laid back, feel good coach. Think back to what I said about Cleveland. In 2010, I think Kansas City contends. For the division. Let's not go nuts here and think they'll go deep in the playoffs. Though it IS the NFL....
* If the Redskins fans want a feel good story right now, I wouldn't look past "Zombie Sean Taylor ascends from grave, strangles Daniel Snyder into oblivion". I do like that the players are openly calling Snyder an idiot, namely Carlos Rogers. Reminds me that since no Eagles player has ever trashed Jeffrey Lurie, then we must be okay.
* Merrill Hoge confused Robert Meachem for Marques Colston on SportsCenter today. Nobody corrected him for 45 seconds. That makes me feel all warm inside.
* If Rush Limbaugh did indeed buy the Rams and then traded Kyle Boller, Mike Karney, and Danny Amendola for any black player, would the world blow up? Or would there just be a lot of general confusion?
* The Oakland/Philly game. I'm not going to comment, except to say that for 117 years old, Al Davis looks spiffy.
* Seattle ranks pretty high on the stilted PMS scale as well. They play Houston in Week 14. How in the hell do you create a line for THAT game? Someone oddsmaker in Vegas will die of pulomary edema, I guarantee it. I should create a line for that occurance, what do you think?
* The Jets seem to be on a yo-yo diet right now. I don't know if Rex Ryan has heard of it.
* Ok, ok, Kevin. I'll stop doubting the Falcons. That loss to New England opened my eyes to how they'd struggle with a bad defense at times, despite their weapons. Guess it made me a little skittish. But to blow San Francisco away and then hold off a rested Chicago proves that it was one little dry spell. My perspective has changed, and they may be the best team that nobody talks about. Happy now?
*If Denver wins tonight, then that eerie prediction I made to my brother and mutual friend in April about how "McDaniels' back is to the wall and he'll probably program Orton for greatness, lead Denver to a surprising comeback year, and swipe that division for themselves" comes a bit closer to being true. I still pick San Diego, but still....
* Finally, that debacle in New England. It goes without saying that I've spoken at length about Tennessee and their struggles, but seriously. Kerry Collins completed two passes out of twelve for negative yards. Chris Johnson continues to be the pretty flower growing out of a sewage drain. The defense is in shambles. Rob Bironas never even got in position to ATTEMPT a kick. Forget about the notion of management "asking Jeff Fisher to resign so that they don't have to fire him publicly". Bud Adams may as well burn his contract at a press conference, because there's no way that Fisher comes back, unless they go ten and six. Good luck getting Vegas to post odds on that one.
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded columnist or author. He tweets at http://twitter.com/mindofjrhsports and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh
by Justin Henry
Barreling into the trade deadline with some acerbic snacks
* I guess I better get it off my chest and talk about Philadelphia's performance yesterday. So here goes....I think the Phillies did an unbelievable job of getting to Kuroda early, hitting well in the cold, and pitching down on a tremendous hitting team in the Dodgers. I mean, c'mon, hanging only three hits on the NL West champions is...what? Oh, the Eagles? Good God man, how can I talk about Andy Reid's inability to reprogram the offensive line when baseball's World Ph'N Champions are striving to defend their crown?! Do you really want me to discuss Reid's tendency to overload on the pass when the run is working all too well, Jeremiah Trotter being unable to catch second-tier running backs, and Reid burning timeouts at bizarre times? Well, guess what, buddy? You better look elsewhere, because this is a HAPPY column! By "happy", I mean I always talk good about my teams. Unless you can find a subliminal message somewhere.
* REally now, I Don't thInk Some bAd game like that should waFfle Us any. Can't we Keep the faIth goiNG? MORe than yOu thiNk, yes.
* Memo to Steve Hauschka: if you miss a kick indoors at that distance, regardless of the situation, then you're not even good enough for the AFL. Quarterbacks can blame poor play because of the fact that they're defensed against. You don't even have THAT excuse. I wouldn't be so mad if you weren't on my fantasy team. As Andy Reid would say, "I take full responsibility..."
* Speaking of fantasy, I had Tom Brady and Wes Welker on my fantasy team and didn't start them. Can anyone loan me some cyanide?
* Did anyone else see Eli Manning shove Ahmad Bradshaw? The last time a white boy from an upper class upbringing shoved a convicted felon from behind....well, I can't remember the last time it happened, but it probably didn't end well for whitey. You never see Peyton shove anyone, do you? Probably because of the "no shoving" clause in his various endorsement contracts.
* Speaking of Eli, if that had been any other player other than the media darlings (Favre, Brady, the Mannings, Romo, Sanchez) shoving his teammate like that, it would have dominated SportsCenter. Just saying.
* Drew Brees was a second round pick. Every team had a chance to draft him. It's worth noting.
* Call me crazy, but I get that suspicious feeling that Cleveland is going to do some damage next season. They'll need a better QB to be sure, but they've fought hard against tougher opponents this year. It's that bizarre effect where your roster is littered with no-name talent, but they band together as allies and work hard with no egos in the way. Trading away Edwards and Winslow may seem dumb from people who strictly follow the fantasy game, but when you create open casting for the lead roles on the team, it unleashes a wave of motivation amongst these lower tier guys. Besides, imagine the cap room for next year if they can ship away Brady Quinn's monster deal. If in 2010, Cleveland and Cincinnati take the top two spots while Baltimore and Pittsburgh dredge the ocean floor, don't say I didn't tell you.
* The above paragraph is contingent on Cincinnati not losing their entire comeback spark in yesterday's loss to Houston. Antwan Odom being hurt is that first ominous sign.
* Houston is confusing. They have the most irregular PMS cycle I've seen in a while out of a football team. Yes, I look for PMS cycles in football teams. Please don't judge me. I mean to say that they lose against teams they should crush, and definitively beat the teams they should struggle with. No wonder the NFL never promotes them: they can never be sure of what they're promoting.
* Detroit, welcome back! Where've you been?
* Tampa Bay may be 0-6, but Josh Johnson is the real deal. If he was playing for the Denver Broncos and Josh McDaniels right now, his jersey would be a top seller. Give him a coach who can scheme for a quarterback and design plays to match his style, and we're talking a born superstar. His quick release is so confusing for a defense to key on, and he's willing to step up and be the leader of guys who may not ordinarily listen to a 23 year old, second year nobody. Give him time. Success will follow him. If Raheem Morris turns up missing, the success will come quicker.
* With these 2 wins, John Fox is coming closer to saving his job. That might be funny if it wasn't so sad. So much for the Panthers joining the "Bradford/McCoy/yes, even Tebow" sweepstakes".
* Speaking of Tim Tebow, if he shoved a player, do you think ESPN would interview the shoved player and ask if all of his injuries were healed? I do.
* Todd Haley may be an angry, hotheaded whack job, but now he's an angry, hotheaded whack job with a win. The Chiefs are like a JV team full of good character people. They struggle and they struggle but, damn it, they feel like they can win if they just work hard enough. All they lack is a laid back, feel good coach. Think back to what I said about Cleveland. In 2010, I think Kansas City contends. For the division. Let's not go nuts here and think they'll go deep in the playoffs. Though it IS the NFL....
* If the Redskins fans want a feel good story right now, I wouldn't look past "Zombie Sean Taylor ascends from grave, strangles Daniel Snyder into oblivion". I do like that the players are openly calling Snyder an idiot, namely Carlos Rogers. Reminds me that since no Eagles player has ever trashed Jeffrey Lurie, then we must be okay.
* Merrill Hoge confused Robert Meachem for Marques Colston on SportsCenter today. Nobody corrected him for 45 seconds. That makes me feel all warm inside.
* If Rush Limbaugh did indeed buy the Rams and then traded Kyle Boller, Mike Karney, and Danny Amendola for any black player, would the world blow up? Or would there just be a lot of general confusion?
* The Oakland/Philly game. I'm not going to comment, except to say that for 117 years old, Al Davis looks spiffy.
* Seattle ranks pretty high on the stilted PMS scale as well. They play Houston in Week 14. How in the hell do you create a line for THAT game? Someone oddsmaker in Vegas will die of pulomary edema, I guarantee it. I should create a line for that occurance, what do you think?
* The Jets seem to be on a yo-yo diet right now. I don't know if Rex Ryan has heard of it.
* Ok, ok, Kevin. I'll stop doubting the Falcons. That loss to New England opened my eyes to how they'd struggle with a bad defense at times, despite their weapons. Guess it made me a little skittish. But to blow San Francisco away and then hold off a rested Chicago proves that it was one little dry spell. My perspective has changed, and they may be the best team that nobody talks about. Happy now?
*If Denver wins tonight, then that eerie prediction I made to my brother and mutual friend in April about how "McDaniels' back is to the wall and he'll probably program Orton for greatness, lead Denver to a surprising comeback year, and swipe that division for themselves" comes a bit closer to being true. I still pick San Diego, but still....
* Finally, that debacle in New England. It goes without saying that I've spoken at length about Tennessee and their struggles, but seriously. Kerry Collins completed two passes out of twelve for negative yards. Chris Johnson continues to be the pretty flower growing out of a sewage drain. The defense is in shambles. Rob Bironas never even got in position to ATTEMPT a kick. Forget about the notion of management "asking Jeff Fisher to resign so that they don't have to fire him publicly". Bud Adams may as well burn his contract at a press conference, because there's no way that Fisher comes back, unless they go ten and six. Good luck getting Vegas to post odds on that one.
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded columnist or author. He tweets at http://twitter.com/mindofjrhsports and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh
Friday, October 16, 2009
Football: WEEK 6 2009 PICKS
WEEK 6 NFL PICKS
by Justin Henry
Problem: I go 8-6 on my picks last week, putting too much stock into the Jaguars, Jets, and Bills. Solution: Make up for it the following week.
This week's theme: Gladiator. Because somebody I care about wanted to see it. They know who they are.
LAST WEEK 8-6
St. Louis at Jacksonville
"Forget you ever knew me, and never come back here again." - Maximus (Russell Crowe)
With Rush Limbaugh not welcome amongst the buying partners for the Rams, consider that the most interesting story you'll hear about them this year. Jacksonville's embarassing loss to the returning Matt Hasselbeck last week should spark some madness. Maurice Jones-Drew with a revenge game? Limbaugh was the only "Rush" the Rams are going to stop this week
MY PICK: Jacksonville 31, St. Louis 7
Kansas City at Washington
"The Senate is the people, sire. Chosen from among the people, to speak for the people." - Gracchus (Derek Jacobi)
So the Redskins players are fighting for Jim Zorn, and Carlos Rogers even goes as far as to throw the soggy mess into the lap of Daniel Snyder. The players have spoken, but I fear it's going to fall on deaf ears. If the Redskins lose this game, I sense either a major change this week, or at least a major public spat for the media to chew on between Snyder and Zorn. You know what? Kansas City fights hard in spite of their circumstances. They win and possibly kick the stool out from under Zorn.
MY PICK: Kansas City 24, Washington 20
Houston at Cincinnati
"Sometimes I do what I want to do. The rest of the time, I do what I have to." - Cicero (Tommy Flanagan)
Ever so apt for Chad Ocho Cinco, no? The Bengals can seemingly do no wrong, winning under epic circumstances each time. This week, no miracle win necessary. As long as Houston's defense is terrible, Cedric Benson will mow them down.
MY PICK: Cincinnati 27, Houston 17
Baltimore at Minnesota
"I don't pretend to be a man of the people. But I do try to be a man for the people." - Gracchus (Derek Jacobi)
I admire Adrian Peterson for keeping to himself and quietly racking up another brilliant season while the media fawns over Jesus Favre. Peterson doesn't pretend to be a religious figure. Though I feel he's going to need some divine intervention to run on a pissed off Ravens D. Minnesota's first loss? I'd bet on it.
MY PICK: Baltimore 17, Minnesota 13
Detroit at Green Bay
"He sleeps so well because he is loved." - Commodus (Joaquin Phoenix)
No one in Detroit has a bad thing to say about Matthew Stafford. Why? Because he won! He ended the Motor City nightmare in week three, but that maaaay be the apex of the season. Green Bay needs traction, and the best way to start is to unleash Aaron Rodger's arm on the light blue crew.
MY PICK: Green Bay 31, Detroit 17
Cleveland at Pittsburgh
"Those giraffes you sold me, they won't mate. They just walk around, eating, and not mating. You sold me... queer giraffes. I want my money back." - Proximo (Oliver Reed)
Whatever Eric Mangini sold to Browns fans in the offseason has worn off entirely, and a victory in spite of Derek Anderson's "career day" won't be changing that. The champs love to hurt the Browns, and what a hurting it's going to be. Rashard Mendenhall. If you have him in fantasy, um, I'd start him.
MY PICK: Pittsburgh 34, Cleveland 6
Carolina at Tampa Bay
"Give him time, Gracchus. He's young, he may do very well." - Falco (David Schofield)
Where the hell did Josh Johnson come from? Inexperienced as he is, his quick release, as well as his chemistry with Kellen Winslow, made him look like a future star against Philadelphia last week. This time, it's an easier defense. I take him and his winless bunch to knock off Carolina, and send John Fox spiraling further toward a studio job.
MY PICK: Tampa Bay 17, Carolina 10
New York Giants at New Orleans
"I didn't know men could build such things." - Juba (Djimon Hounsou)
Who would have thought that Eli Manning could build a great receiving corp out of disassembled parts? Who would have guessed that Sean Payton could create the offense from Hell with Drew Brees as an absolute wrecking machine? Should be a very close game, but it comes down to Jeremy Shockey spilling his guts on Eli's tendencies and the Saints preparing for them. A little knowledge goes a long way.
MY PICK: New Orleans, 21, New York 20
Arizona at Seattle
"I know that you are a man of your word, General. I know that you would die for honor, for Rome, for the memory of your ancestors. But as for me? I'm an entertainer." - Proximo (Oliver Reed)
Aptly describes the relationship between Kurt Warner and Matt Leinart, methinks. Warner's still got a cannon, and Seattle's not playing the schizo Jaguars this week. The Seahawks are about to get reacquainted with Larry Fitzgerald and it's going to suck. Unless the Madden Curse factors in. But still, yeah, Arizona.
MY PICK: Arizona 37, Seattle 21
Philadelphia at Oakland
"I am required to kill, so I kill. That is enough." - Maximus (Russell Crowe)
I think Sean McDermott's having too much fun with these blitz packages. Josh Johnson got chased like David Spade at the end of PCU last week, and I sense JaMarcus Russell won't be able to outrun the gunners like Johnson was able to. Meanwhile, Jeff Garcia will watch from home with his beautiful Playmate wife and nod painfully at the proceedings.
MY PICK: Philadelphia 38, Oakland 9
Buffalo at New York Jets
"At my signal, unleash hell." - Maximus (Russell Crowe)
Two straight losses, as well as blowing three leads in the fourth quarter against the Dolphins, will not sit will with Coachasaurus Rex. Goodnight, Buffalo!
MY PICK: New York 34, Buffalo 10
Tennessee at New England
"I may die here in this cell or in the arena tomorrow. What possible difference can I make?" - Maximus (Russell Crowe)
I think Kerry Collins feels more useless by the day. It's like a death march from the tunnel to the field for he and the Titans. On the other sideline, Bill Belichick is still mad that he lost to his old student, Punky Brewster, last week. Time to take some aggression out on the confusingly bad ex-Oilers
MY PICK: New England 31, Tennessee 13
Chicago at Atlanta
"If only you had been born a man, what a Caesar you would have made." - Marcus Aurelius (Richard Harris)
If only Jay Cutler had been born a man, he would....I kid, In fact, I like this new, more contrite Jay Cutler. With Atlanta riding a bit too high after crushing the 49ers this past week, I think Cutler corrals them with equal doses Johnny Knox and Devin Hester.
MY PICK: Chicago 27, Atlanta 17
Denver at San Diego
"Your Emperor asks for your loyalty, Maximus. Take my hand, I only offer it once." - Commodus (Joaquin Phoenix)
Once upon a time, Broncos fans wanted Josh McDaniels dead. Now, he truly IS the Emperor. He's nice enough to welcome the previously-haters into his bretheren, and they will flock as long as he's winning. Tough road ahead, and it looks like loss number one this week. San Diego's coming off a bye and they're home. No worries, Josh. It's only one smudge.
MY PICK: San Diego 20, Denver 17
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded columnist or author. He tweets at http://twitter.com/mindofjrhsports and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.
by Justin Henry
Problem: I go 8-6 on my picks last week, putting too much stock into the Jaguars, Jets, and Bills. Solution: Make up for it the following week.
This week's theme: Gladiator. Because somebody I care about wanted to see it. They know who they are.
LAST WEEK 8-6
St. Louis at Jacksonville
"Forget you ever knew me, and never come back here again." - Maximus (Russell Crowe)
With Rush Limbaugh not welcome amongst the buying partners for the Rams, consider that the most interesting story you'll hear about them this year. Jacksonville's embarassing loss to the returning Matt Hasselbeck last week should spark some madness. Maurice Jones-Drew with a revenge game? Limbaugh was the only "Rush" the Rams are going to stop this week
MY PICK: Jacksonville 31, St. Louis 7
Kansas City at Washington
"The Senate is the people, sire. Chosen from among the people, to speak for the people." - Gracchus (Derek Jacobi)
So the Redskins players are fighting for Jim Zorn, and Carlos Rogers even goes as far as to throw the soggy mess into the lap of Daniel Snyder. The players have spoken, but I fear it's going to fall on deaf ears. If the Redskins lose this game, I sense either a major change this week, or at least a major public spat for the media to chew on between Snyder and Zorn. You know what? Kansas City fights hard in spite of their circumstances. They win and possibly kick the stool out from under Zorn.
MY PICK: Kansas City 24, Washington 20
Houston at Cincinnati
"Sometimes I do what I want to do. The rest of the time, I do what I have to." - Cicero (Tommy Flanagan)
Ever so apt for Chad Ocho Cinco, no? The Bengals can seemingly do no wrong, winning under epic circumstances each time. This week, no miracle win necessary. As long as Houston's defense is terrible, Cedric Benson will mow them down.
MY PICK: Cincinnati 27, Houston 17
Baltimore at Minnesota
"I don't pretend to be a man of the people. But I do try to be a man for the people." - Gracchus (Derek Jacobi)
I admire Adrian Peterson for keeping to himself and quietly racking up another brilliant season while the media fawns over Jesus Favre. Peterson doesn't pretend to be a religious figure. Though I feel he's going to need some divine intervention to run on a pissed off Ravens D. Minnesota's first loss? I'd bet on it.
MY PICK: Baltimore 17, Minnesota 13
Detroit at Green Bay
"He sleeps so well because he is loved." - Commodus (Joaquin Phoenix)
No one in Detroit has a bad thing to say about Matthew Stafford. Why? Because he won! He ended the Motor City nightmare in week three, but that maaaay be the apex of the season. Green Bay needs traction, and the best way to start is to unleash Aaron Rodger's arm on the light blue crew.
MY PICK: Green Bay 31, Detroit 17
Cleveland at Pittsburgh
"Those giraffes you sold me, they won't mate. They just walk around, eating, and not mating. You sold me... queer giraffes. I want my money back." - Proximo (Oliver Reed)
Whatever Eric Mangini sold to Browns fans in the offseason has worn off entirely, and a victory in spite of Derek Anderson's "career day" won't be changing that. The champs love to hurt the Browns, and what a hurting it's going to be. Rashard Mendenhall. If you have him in fantasy, um, I'd start him.
MY PICK: Pittsburgh 34, Cleveland 6
Carolina at Tampa Bay
"Give him time, Gracchus. He's young, he may do very well." - Falco (David Schofield)
Where the hell did Josh Johnson come from? Inexperienced as he is, his quick release, as well as his chemistry with Kellen Winslow, made him look like a future star against Philadelphia last week. This time, it's an easier defense. I take him and his winless bunch to knock off Carolina, and send John Fox spiraling further toward a studio job.
MY PICK: Tampa Bay 17, Carolina 10
New York Giants at New Orleans
"I didn't know men could build such things." - Juba (Djimon Hounsou)
Who would have thought that Eli Manning could build a great receiving corp out of disassembled parts? Who would have guessed that Sean Payton could create the offense from Hell with Drew Brees as an absolute wrecking machine? Should be a very close game, but it comes down to Jeremy Shockey spilling his guts on Eli's tendencies and the Saints preparing for them. A little knowledge goes a long way.
MY PICK: New Orleans, 21, New York 20
Arizona at Seattle
"I know that you are a man of your word, General. I know that you would die for honor, for Rome, for the memory of your ancestors. But as for me? I'm an entertainer." - Proximo (Oliver Reed)
Aptly describes the relationship between Kurt Warner and Matt Leinart, methinks. Warner's still got a cannon, and Seattle's not playing the schizo Jaguars this week. The Seahawks are about to get reacquainted with Larry Fitzgerald and it's going to suck. Unless the Madden Curse factors in. But still, yeah, Arizona.
MY PICK: Arizona 37, Seattle 21
Philadelphia at Oakland
"I am required to kill, so I kill. That is enough." - Maximus (Russell Crowe)
I think Sean McDermott's having too much fun with these blitz packages. Josh Johnson got chased like David Spade at the end of PCU last week, and I sense JaMarcus Russell won't be able to outrun the gunners like Johnson was able to. Meanwhile, Jeff Garcia will watch from home with his beautiful Playmate wife and nod painfully at the proceedings.
MY PICK: Philadelphia 38, Oakland 9
Buffalo at New York Jets
"At my signal, unleash hell." - Maximus (Russell Crowe)
Two straight losses, as well as blowing three leads in the fourth quarter against the Dolphins, will not sit will with Coachasaurus Rex. Goodnight, Buffalo!
MY PICK: New York 34, Buffalo 10
Tennessee at New England
"I may die here in this cell or in the arena tomorrow. What possible difference can I make?" - Maximus (Russell Crowe)
I think Kerry Collins feels more useless by the day. It's like a death march from the tunnel to the field for he and the Titans. On the other sideline, Bill Belichick is still mad that he lost to his old student, Punky Brewster, last week. Time to take some aggression out on the confusingly bad ex-Oilers
MY PICK: New England 31, Tennessee 13
Chicago at Atlanta
"If only you had been born a man, what a Caesar you would have made." - Marcus Aurelius (Richard Harris)
If only Jay Cutler had been born a man, he would....I kid, In fact, I like this new, more contrite Jay Cutler. With Atlanta riding a bit too high after crushing the 49ers this past week, I think Cutler corrals them with equal doses Johnny Knox and Devin Hester.
MY PICK: Chicago 27, Atlanta 17
Denver at San Diego
"Your Emperor asks for your loyalty, Maximus. Take my hand, I only offer it once." - Commodus (Joaquin Phoenix)
Once upon a time, Broncos fans wanted Josh McDaniels dead. Now, he truly IS the Emperor. He's nice enough to welcome the previously-haters into his bretheren, and they will flock as long as he's winning. Tough road ahead, and it looks like loss number one this week. San Diego's coming off a bye and they're home. No worries, Josh. It's only one smudge.
MY PICK: San Diego 20, Denver 17
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded columnist or author. He tweets at http://twitter.com/mindofjrhsports and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Football: LET'S BUILD A RIVALRY!
LET’S BUILD A RIVALRY!
By Justin Henry
For those of you who’ve never been to a school dance in your youth, well then you missed out. You’d have to be a complete loser to not be able to get a slow dance with the prettiest girls in your class. That’s really what the dances were for: determining the hierarchy of the male food chain in your grade. The top tier was the guys who the girls would go up to THEM and ask for a dance. I was never so lucky, but I was happy to find myself in the tier numero dos: the guys who could ask basically any girl and get the dance. It was mostly because I wasn’t a COMPLETE spazzola, but also partially because I was considered a friendly hanger-on to the primary social circle, if not a full-fledged member. This put me above the Goths and nerds, who went to these things out of some self-loathing exercise, sat in the corner with their other pale friends, and talked about whatever was cool in 1996 (Doom, Fear Factory, Sliders, and such).
There was one others group that would inevitably make an appearance at these functions. Though this group would be small, they seemed to make the most indelible mark on our memories: the unwanted. The unwanted kids would be those ones that, when you grabbed a Pepsi and sauntered into the hallway to catch a breath of fresh air, would be seated in a chair in the hallway, bawling and crying loudly over getting rejected or embarrassed in front of the student body. You know the ones. They always had some kind of defect, whether it was that flat, mop top of a rug on their head or they were more acne-riddled than Jason Giambi’s back. Whatever the reason, at the dance, they would shoot for the stars and fall considerably short, hence the river of tears that they’re spilling in the hallway.
There’d always be one teacher or parent there chaperoning the dance that would be in the hallway, comforting them. Generally, it wasn’t one of the cooler teachers or parents, but rather a fellow geek who could sympathize with their plight. After all, teenage geeks have to grow up and become adult geeks, right? So there’s the senior dork, trying to put a smile on the face of the hopeless cause, assuring him that things will get better for him socially (when, generally, said adult is walking proof that that’s not ALWAYS the case).
What’s funny is that there’s an NFL equivalent to this.
What, you thought this was going to be an essay about the angst of American youth?
You poor sucker.
There are 32 teams in the National Football League. It goes without saying that some teams have more storied histories than others. Teams like Pittsburgh, Green Bay, Oakland, Dallas, and others, have their own images, built on years of success and glory, as well as generational devotion from their fan bases, a cradle-to-the-grave loyalty that manifests through eras. Even a team like Oakland, who has been shunted down being, basically, a parody of a football team, still has their cult following in the form of demented Halloween enthusiasts. But you know what? It’s still a hell of a lot more than some teams can claim to have. Some teams, like New England and Dallas, will always find themselves in marquee match-ups week after week, with national TV coverage and the perceived ‘A-teams’ on commentary. In fact, to my way of thinking, there are only two teams in the entire league that get shunned on a consistent basis.
I’m talking about the Jacksonville Jaguars and the Houston Texans.
The other thirty teams can all claim some serious degree of fame. They’ve won Super Bowls. They’ve won NFL/AFL championships. They have die-hard fan bases that are hated by the fan bases of their rivals. They have dozens of players in the Hall of Fame. Many of them find themselves as “gets” for ESPN, due to their propensity for creating headlines, both positive and negative. They have rivals that they look forward to battling every year, with the dates circled on the calendars of their devoted followers.
Jacksonville has been in the league since 1995. Outside of a couple appearances in the AFC Championship, they have no identity. At least their doppelganger that entered the NFL in the same year, the Carolina Panthers, has been to the big dance (and nearly won it). This isn’t to say that Jacksonville is a bad team. It’s just you never hear about them. Besides, why does the city of Jacksonville have a team when Los Angeles has none? Jacksonville? Really? It seems like they edged out Helena, Montana for the franchise bid.
Houston came to the NFL in 2002, and this was a trickier sell. A lot of Houston fans still remain loyal to the Tennessee Titans, who were the Houston Oilers once upon a time. The Oilers moved to Music City back when the big Presidential scandal du jour was a stained dress and a fat intern. Though the team was gone, memories of Warren Moon, Bruce Matthews, Earl Campbell, and Billy “White Shoes” Johnson remained. The current Houston team has a tremendous offense, and is no doubt picking up some steam, but having yet to make the playoffs is one of many factors that keeps these “Oilers Lite” from being considered a “get”.
Jacksonville and Houston are those two kids out in the hallway during the dance, bemoaning their lack of popularity. While Oakland and Cincinnati drink contraband beer in the boys room, they sniffle. Everyone else has their spot in the sun, except for them. In this situation, it would be Don Criqui and Bill Macatee, CBS’s lower tier announcers, playing chaperone. Fans of both teams are surely familiar with the voices of these two men, since the network would rarely waste Jim Nantz’s splendid Southern drawl on the black sheep of popularity.
It just so happens that Jacksonville and Houston are division rivals. They find themselves pinned down the popularity depth chart, below Tennessee (loved in Nashville AND Houston) and Indianapolis (loved by Indiana and front runners nationwide). As division rivals, they play each other twice a season (three should both make it to the post-season, but let’s not get excited here). This is a good foundation to build a rivalry on, as you’re guaranteed match-ups every season.
But how to build that rivalry? How do you build something into that media “get”, to where ESPN will actually ignore the story of Tim Tebow and Brett Favre getting caught injecting each other with needles marked “pretentious”?
What you need is a detailed plan. It just so happens that I have one.
STEP ONE: THE CONTROVERSIAL FINISH
Who doesn’t love controversy? From Kanye West ruining Taylor Swift’s moment, to Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell exchanging words, America is to controversy what Dan Dierdorf is to doling out criticism. We just can’t get enough of it.
On September 27, Jacksonville went into Houston and came out alive with a hard fought win, 31-24. Do I even have to tell you that Bill Macatee did that game? As great a game as it was, featuring perennial fantasy favorites like Maurice Jones-Drew and Andre Johnson, it still didn’t get the national attention it COULD have had. On December 6, they have their rematch in Jacksonville, and this is where controversy should take center stage.
For this to work at its best, it’s hoped that both teams will be in playoff contention at this point. It’ll be more helpful if there’s a chance that the loser of this game is knocked out of a chance to qualify. So what we need here is for the game to come down to the wire, with the officials blowing a call. Doesn’t matter what it is, just blow a call. Maybe an Andre Johnson touchdown could have been nullified by the fact that he only had one foot in bounds. Maybe Matt Schaub didn’t really fumble, but the officials say he did, and there’s no replay. Maybe Maurice Jones-Drew tears his ACL on an illegal late hit by Dunta Robinson, costing Jacksonville their biggest playmaker. Whatever the case, the fan base of one team must go online after the game and unleash a stream of pissing and moaning so thunderous, that it makes the Seahawks fans who complained about Super Bowl 40 look timid.
These fans have to make sure that their hatred is directed toward ESPN First Take, so that Jay Crawford and Dana Jacobson can make this a hot issue through the show. Then the Around the Horn crew will weigh in, followed by Pardon the Interruption, with Tony Kornheiser pretending he at least watched the highlights. Poll questions will be formulated. Opinions will be made.
What was the right call in that game?
STEP TWO: THE CHEAP SHOT
2010 will begin with the loser of the 12/6/09 game looking for revenge. They revamped their roster in the off-season, no doubt trying to kill the pain of the lousy way in which 2009 had ended for them. Let’s say that the Jaguars, indeed, lost that game on the controversial play in question. The first meeting HAS to be in Houston. Whoever loses, they have to play the winner in their stadium. Because hey, what’s revenge good for if not to get their entire stadium to scream bloody murder?
So the Jaguars will roll into Houston, looking to go Keyser Soze on the Texans. It’s going to happen, too, when Derrick Harvey runs over Matt Schaub after the whistle blows, separating his shoulder. Mid field skirmish, thousands of angry Texans fans, and endless debate on the talking heads shows over whether or not Harvey should be fined, suspended, or castrated. I mean, had it been Brett Favre or Tom Brady that was crunched into the surface, Peter King would be rounding up the lynch mob.
But still, people will be talking. Was the hit by Harvey a revenge act for Jacksonville’s ill-fated finish last season? Was it just an accident; an aggressive player unable to stop himself in time?
It’s that debate that will lead to the next act.
STEP THREE: THE CLASSIC
They will meet again later that season. The Texans, having been helmed by Rex Grossman while Schaub re-cooperated, fell apart. Playoffs are not an issue, though they never really have been. Jacksonville got a momentum bounce from the Schaub hit. But Schaub’s back, returning this week for this game. You’d better believe that the storyline would be emphasized all week long. With Jacksonville fighting for a playoff spot, they NEED to beat the seething Texans, who are all too happy to try and play spoiler for…
….wait for it….
….their hated rival!
What’s that? CBS is having Kevin Harlan and Solomon Wilcotts do the game? You don’t say!
If the pieces fall into place, this game will be a high scoring barnburner. A few fights, some questionable calls, and big plays from the playmakers. Schaub will play valiantly, keeping his team alive with the idea that their failed playoff campaign can be redeemed by keeping Jacksonville from making it as well.
It doesn’t even matter how it ends. If Jacksonville wins, the dirty villains didn’t get their comeuppance. They live on so that fans of other teams can hate them also, praying their favorite squad will be the ones that level them. If Houston wins, the Jacksonville fans will be angry again this off season, looking forward to their next meeting with the parasite that has kept them from attaining high success.
So it continues. In 2011, both teams will bolster their rosters in an arms race, trying to improve upon the mistakes made against each other in 2010. Their meetings will be viewed by their fans with both anticipation (I can’t wait to crush them!) and fear (God, I hope we don’t lose to them!). Finally, the Jaguars and the Texans will have relevance. CBS will actually promote them. ESPN will finally hype up their stars. Their fans become the new Capulets and Montagues, sniping both verbally and, perhaps tragically, physically with each other.
It’s time to create this rivalry. Doing so will open the doors for Jacksonville and Houston.
Just like every other team, they finally get to dance.
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded columnist or author. He tweets at http://twitter.com/mindofjrhsports and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.
By Justin Henry
For those of you who’ve never been to a school dance in your youth, well then you missed out. You’d have to be a complete loser to not be able to get a slow dance with the prettiest girls in your class. That’s really what the dances were for: determining the hierarchy of the male food chain in your grade. The top tier was the guys who the girls would go up to THEM and ask for a dance. I was never so lucky, but I was happy to find myself in the tier numero dos: the guys who could ask basically any girl and get the dance. It was mostly because I wasn’t a COMPLETE spazzola, but also partially because I was considered a friendly hanger-on to the primary social circle, if not a full-fledged member. This put me above the Goths and nerds, who went to these things out of some self-loathing exercise, sat in the corner with their other pale friends, and talked about whatever was cool in 1996 (Doom, Fear Factory, Sliders, and such).
There was one others group that would inevitably make an appearance at these functions. Though this group would be small, they seemed to make the most indelible mark on our memories: the unwanted. The unwanted kids would be those ones that, when you grabbed a Pepsi and sauntered into the hallway to catch a breath of fresh air, would be seated in a chair in the hallway, bawling and crying loudly over getting rejected or embarrassed in front of the student body. You know the ones. They always had some kind of defect, whether it was that flat, mop top of a rug on their head or they were more acne-riddled than Jason Giambi’s back. Whatever the reason, at the dance, they would shoot for the stars and fall considerably short, hence the river of tears that they’re spilling in the hallway.
There’d always be one teacher or parent there chaperoning the dance that would be in the hallway, comforting them. Generally, it wasn’t one of the cooler teachers or parents, but rather a fellow geek who could sympathize with their plight. After all, teenage geeks have to grow up and become adult geeks, right? So there’s the senior dork, trying to put a smile on the face of the hopeless cause, assuring him that things will get better for him socially (when, generally, said adult is walking proof that that’s not ALWAYS the case).
What’s funny is that there’s an NFL equivalent to this.
What, you thought this was going to be an essay about the angst of American youth?
You poor sucker.
There are 32 teams in the National Football League. It goes without saying that some teams have more storied histories than others. Teams like Pittsburgh, Green Bay, Oakland, Dallas, and others, have their own images, built on years of success and glory, as well as generational devotion from their fan bases, a cradle-to-the-grave loyalty that manifests through eras. Even a team like Oakland, who has been shunted down being, basically, a parody of a football team, still has their cult following in the form of demented Halloween enthusiasts. But you know what? It’s still a hell of a lot more than some teams can claim to have. Some teams, like New England and Dallas, will always find themselves in marquee match-ups week after week, with national TV coverage and the perceived ‘A-teams’ on commentary. In fact, to my way of thinking, there are only two teams in the entire league that get shunned on a consistent basis.
I’m talking about the Jacksonville Jaguars and the Houston Texans.
The other thirty teams can all claim some serious degree of fame. They’ve won Super Bowls. They’ve won NFL/AFL championships. They have die-hard fan bases that are hated by the fan bases of their rivals. They have dozens of players in the Hall of Fame. Many of them find themselves as “gets” for ESPN, due to their propensity for creating headlines, both positive and negative. They have rivals that they look forward to battling every year, with the dates circled on the calendars of their devoted followers.
Jacksonville has been in the league since 1995. Outside of a couple appearances in the AFC Championship, they have no identity. At least their doppelganger that entered the NFL in the same year, the Carolina Panthers, has been to the big dance (and nearly won it). This isn’t to say that Jacksonville is a bad team. It’s just you never hear about them. Besides, why does the city of Jacksonville have a team when Los Angeles has none? Jacksonville? Really? It seems like they edged out Helena, Montana for the franchise bid.
Houston came to the NFL in 2002, and this was a trickier sell. A lot of Houston fans still remain loyal to the Tennessee Titans, who were the Houston Oilers once upon a time. The Oilers moved to Music City back when the big Presidential scandal du jour was a stained dress and a fat intern. Though the team was gone, memories of Warren Moon, Bruce Matthews, Earl Campbell, and Billy “White Shoes” Johnson remained. The current Houston team has a tremendous offense, and is no doubt picking up some steam, but having yet to make the playoffs is one of many factors that keeps these “Oilers Lite” from being considered a “get”.
Jacksonville and Houston are those two kids out in the hallway during the dance, bemoaning their lack of popularity. While Oakland and Cincinnati drink contraband beer in the boys room, they sniffle. Everyone else has their spot in the sun, except for them. In this situation, it would be Don Criqui and Bill Macatee, CBS’s lower tier announcers, playing chaperone. Fans of both teams are surely familiar with the voices of these two men, since the network would rarely waste Jim Nantz’s splendid Southern drawl on the black sheep of popularity.
It just so happens that Jacksonville and Houston are division rivals. They find themselves pinned down the popularity depth chart, below Tennessee (loved in Nashville AND Houston) and Indianapolis (loved by Indiana and front runners nationwide). As division rivals, they play each other twice a season (three should both make it to the post-season, but let’s not get excited here). This is a good foundation to build a rivalry on, as you’re guaranteed match-ups every season.
But how to build that rivalry? How do you build something into that media “get”, to where ESPN will actually ignore the story of Tim Tebow and Brett Favre getting caught injecting each other with needles marked “pretentious”?
What you need is a detailed plan. It just so happens that I have one.
STEP ONE: THE CONTROVERSIAL FINISH
Who doesn’t love controversy? From Kanye West ruining Taylor Swift’s moment, to Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell exchanging words, America is to controversy what Dan Dierdorf is to doling out criticism. We just can’t get enough of it.
On September 27, Jacksonville went into Houston and came out alive with a hard fought win, 31-24. Do I even have to tell you that Bill Macatee did that game? As great a game as it was, featuring perennial fantasy favorites like Maurice Jones-Drew and Andre Johnson, it still didn’t get the national attention it COULD have had. On December 6, they have their rematch in Jacksonville, and this is where controversy should take center stage.
For this to work at its best, it’s hoped that both teams will be in playoff contention at this point. It’ll be more helpful if there’s a chance that the loser of this game is knocked out of a chance to qualify. So what we need here is for the game to come down to the wire, with the officials blowing a call. Doesn’t matter what it is, just blow a call. Maybe an Andre Johnson touchdown could have been nullified by the fact that he only had one foot in bounds. Maybe Matt Schaub didn’t really fumble, but the officials say he did, and there’s no replay. Maybe Maurice Jones-Drew tears his ACL on an illegal late hit by Dunta Robinson, costing Jacksonville their biggest playmaker. Whatever the case, the fan base of one team must go online after the game and unleash a stream of pissing and moaning so thunderous, that it makes the Seahawks fans who complained about Super Bowl 40 look timid.
These fans have to make sure that their hatred is directed toward ESPN First Take, so that Jay Crawford and Dana Jacobson can make this a hot issue through the show. Then the Around the Horn crew will weigh in, followed by Pardon the Interruption, with Tony Kornheiser pretending he at least watched the highlights. Poll questions will be formulated. Opinions will be made.
What was the right call in that game?
STEP TWO: THE CHEAP SHOT
2010 will begin with the loser of the 12/6/09 game looking for revenge. They revamped their roster in the off-season, no doubt trying to kill the pain of the lousy way in which 2009 had ended for them. Let’s say that the Jaguars, indeed, lost that game on the controversial play in question. The first meeting HAS to be in Houston. Whoever loses, they have to play the winner in their stadium. Because hey, what’s revenge good for if not to get their entire stadium to scream bloody murder?
So the Jaguars will roll into Houston, looking to go Keyser Soze on the Texans. It’s going to happen, too, when Derrick Harvey runs over Matt Schaub after the whistle blows, separating his shoulder. Mid field skirmish, thousands of angry Texans fans, and endless debate on the talking heads shows over whether or not Harvey should be fined, suspended, or castrated. I mean, had it been Brett Favre or Tom Brady that was crunched into the surface, Peter King would be rounding up the lynch mob.
But still, people will be talking. Was the hit by Harvey a revenge act for Jacksonville’s ill-fated finish last season? Was it just an accident; an aggressive player unable to stop himself in time?
It’s that debate that will lead to the next act.
STEP THREE: THE CLASSIC
They will meet again later that season. The Texans, having been helmed by Rex Grossman while Schaub re-cooperated, fell apart. Playoffs are not an issue, though they never really have been. Jacksonville got a momentum bounce from the Schaub hit. But Schaub’s back, returning this week for this game. You’d better believe that the storyline would be emphasized all week long. With Jacksonville fighting for a playoff spot, they NEED to beat the seething Texans, who are all too happy to try and play spoiler for…
….wait for it….
….their hated rival!
What’s that? CBS is having Kevin Harlan and Solomon Wilcotts do the game? You don’t say!
If the pieces fall into place, this game will be a high scoring barnburner. A few fights, some questionable calls, and big plays from the playmakers. Schaub will play valiantly, keeping his team alive with the idea that their failed playoff campaign can be redeemed by keeping Jacksonville from making it as well.
It doesn’t even matter how it ends. If Jacksonville wins, the dirty villains didn’t get their comeuppance. They live on so that fans of other teams can hate them also, praying their favorite squad will be the ones that level them. If Houston wins, the Jacksonville fans will be angry again this off season, looking forward to their next meeting with the parasite that has kept them from attaining high success.
So it continues. In 2011, both teams will bolster their rosters in an arms race, trying to improve upon the mistakes made against each other in 2010. Their meetings will be viewed by their fans with both anticipation (I can’t wait to crush them!) and fear (God, I hope we don’t lose to them!). Finally, the Jaguars and the Texans will have relevance. CBS will actually promote them. ESPN will finally hype up their stars. Their fans become the new Capulets and Montagues, sniping both verbally and, perhaps tragically, physically with each other.
It’s time to create this rivalry. Doing so will open the doors for Jacksonville and Houston.
Just like every other team, they finally get to dance.
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded columnist or author. He tweets at http://twitter.com/mindofjrhsports and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Football: NFL HAIKU
NFL HAIKU
by Justin Henry
I'm saving my promised Saints column for Wednesday, when I haven't been rendered completely lifeless and groggy by the Phillies win.
So in the meantime, here's my take on the first quarter of the 2009 NFL season, through some lovely poetry known as "haiku". Enjoy, because I did. I think.
NEW YORK JETS
Chemistry is great
Let's gamble on that a bit
Let's trade for Braylon!
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
Brady walks to car
Wind blows debris at his knee
Personal foul called
MIAMI DOLPHINS
Wildcat is here
It was so great last season
Well, that was last year
BUFFALO BILLS
So you signed TO
Now you just need a QB
Umm, I don't see one
CINCINNATI BENGALS
They have a defense?
Who is this Andre Caldwell?
When did this happen?
BALTIMORE RAVENS
Heartbreaking losses
Ravens seem to be human
Without Rex Ryan
PITTSBURGH STEELERS
Charmps are in trouble
Polamalu is injured
Damn that Madden Curse
CLEVELAND BROWNS
Two for seventeen?
That cannot beat any team!
Well, except the Bills
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
It’s Peyton Manning!
The guy from DirecTV!
And he can’t be stopped
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
I pick them, they lose
Go against them and they win
Make up your damn minds
HOUSTON TEXANS
They have great offense
Why can’t they seem to win games?
Oh yeah, no defense
TENNESSEE TITANS
At a loss for words
Zero and five, this is bad
Fisher’s era ends
DENVER BRONCOS
Teenager guides team
To perfect season thus far
All before curfew
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
They can’t see success
What could blind this great young team?
Shot of Tequila?
OAKLAND RAIDERS
Will DirecTV
Sponsor this really bad squad?
And switch from Cable?
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
My food has gone cold
I’ll reheat it when Chiefs lose
On Haley’s forehead
NEW YORK GIANTS
Manning limps to win
Against the Oakland Raiders
Hell, I can do that
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
Beat all the bad teams
Then they struggle with the Saints
Yeah, sounds about right
DALLAS COWBOYS
Love that jumbotron
Romo’s chokes on giant screen
HD quality!
WASHINGTON REDSKINS
Let’s start a new cheer
For the coach, Mr. Jim Zorn
Hip, hip, you’re fired!
MINNESOTA VIKINGS
Favre, do me a favor
See Adrian Peterson there?
Don’t steal his spotlight
CHICAGO BEARS
Cutler shuts his mouth
Then the team wins a few games
Wow, imagine that
GREEN BAY PACKERS
Rodgers does his part
While teammates seem to flounder
No wonder Favre quit
DETROIT LIONS
Better than last year!
It’s just one win, but hey, still
Better than last year!
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
Brees is near flawless
Defense is far, far improved
Trophy hoist looms near
ATLANTA FALCONS
The offense from Hell
Destroys San Fran’s vaunted D
You think they miss Vick?
CAROLINA PANTHERS
They finally triumph
Over the lousy Redskins
So it doesn’t count
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
Winslow and Johnson
Should overthrow the regime
Of Raheem Morris
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
Inconsistency
Golden City’s mortal flaw
Singletary seethes
ARIZONA CARDINALS
Madden curse is bad
Super Bowl loser curse too
Ugh, they’re double screwed
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
Crushed Rams and the Jags
To earn their two victories
As good as it gets!
ST. LOUIS RAMS
The defense shows hope
But they have one major test
Please, just stop the Rush
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded columnist or author. He tweets at http://twitter.com/mindofjrhsports and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.
by Justin Henry
I'm saving my promised Saints column for Wednesday, when I haven't been rendered completely lifeless and groggy by the Phillies win.
So in the meantime, here's my take on the first quarter of the 2009 NFL season, through some lovely poetry known as "haiku". Enjoy, because I did. I think.
NEW YORK JETS
Chemistry is great
Let's gamble on that a bit
Let's trade for Braylon!
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
Brady walks to car
Wind blows debris at his knee
Personal foul called
MIAMI DOLPHINS
Wildcat is here
It was so great last season
Well, that was last year
BUFFALO BILLS
So you signed TO
Now you just need a QB
Umm, I don't see one
CINCINNATI BENGALS
They have a defense?
Who is this Andre Caldwell?
When did this happen?
BALTIMORE RAVENS
Heartbreaking losses
Ravens seem to be human
Without Rex Ryan
PITTSBURGH STEELERS
Charmps are in trouble
Polamalu is injured
Damn that Madden Curse
CLEVELAND BROWNS
Two for seventeen?
That cannot beat any team!
Well, except the Bills
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
It’s Peyton Manning!
The guy from DirecTV!
And he can’t be stopped
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
I pick them, they lose
Go against them and they win
Make up your damn minds
HOUSTON TEXANS
They have great offense
Why can’t they seem to win games?
Oh yeah, no defense
TENNESSEE TITANS
At a loss for words
Zero and five, this is bad
Fisher’s era ends
DENVER BRONCOS
Teenager guides team
To perfect season thus far
All before curfew
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
They can’t see success
What could blind this great young team?
Shot of Tequila?
OAKLAND RAIDERS
Will DirecTV
Sponsor this really bad squad?
And switch from Cable?
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
My food has gone cold
I’ll reheat it when Chiefs lose
On Haley’s forehead
NEW YORK GIANTS
Manning limps to win
Against the Oakland Raiders
Hell, I can do that
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
Beat all the bad teams
Then they struggle with the Saints
Yeah, sounds about right
DALLAS COWBOYS
Love that jumbotron
Romo’s chokes on giant screen
HD quality!
WASHINGTON REDSKINS
Let’s start a new cheer
For the coach, Mr. Jim Zorn
Hip, hip, you’re fired!
MINNESOTA VIKINGS
Favre, do me a favor
See Adrian Peterson there?
Don’t steal his spotlight
CHICAGO BEARS
Cutler shuts his mouth
Then the team wins a few games
Wow, imagine that
GREEN BAY PACKERS
Rodgers does his part
While teammates seem to flounder
No wonder Favre quit
DETROIT LIONS
Better than last year!
It’s just one win, but hey, still
Better than last year!
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
Brees is near flawless
Defense is far, far improved
Trophy hoist looms near
ATLANTA FALCONS
The offense from Hell
Destroys San Fran’s vaunted D
You think they miss Vick?
CAROLINA PANTHERS
They finally triumph
Over the lousy Redskins
So it doesn’t count
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
Winslow and Johnson
Should overthrow the regime
Of Raheem Morris
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
Inconsistency
Golden City’s mortal flaw
Singletary seethes
ARIZONA CARDINALS
Madden curse is bad
Super Bowl loser curse too
Ugh, they’re double screwed
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
Crushed Rams and the Jags
To earn their two victories
As good as it gets!
ST. LOUIS RAMS
The defense shows hope
But they have one major test
Please, just stop the Rush
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded columnist or author. He tweets at http://twitter.com/mindofjrhsports and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Football: WEEK 5 2009 PICKS
WEEK 5 NFL PICKS
by Justin Henry
Today, I would like to preach "patience".
The Browns fans need to be patient with Eric Mangini while he benches a superstar quarterback and trades away one of his best offensive weapons, both of whom were floundering under his Gestapo-like rule. Raiders fans need to be patient with JaMarcus Russell, because sooner or later, he'll get that completion percentage to about 45%, and you'll be sorry you ever doubted him. Tennessee fans, of course, need to demonstrate some form of patience for their 0-4 crew. Things will pick up sooner or later, right? I mean, don't you feel secure in knowing that if the mighty Kerry Collins should continue his unexpected stumble, that Vince Young is right there to pick up the pieces?
Patience. Week five isn't even here yet. It can only get better.
Right?
Right.
Speaking of patience, this week's theme: The Big Lebowski. Who better than "The Dude" to teach us to remain calm under duress? Look at the mess he was involved in with the nihilists, Jackie Treehorn, and having to keep Walter from going to jail. Did he spaz? Not too often.
So let's abide. Roll week five.
LAST WEEK: 11-3
Cincinnati at Baltimore
“You mark that frame an 8, and you're entering a world of pain.” – Walter Sobchak (John Goodman)
I love the sense of martial law that both teams bring. Baltimore has the more reputable defense, evidenced by years of carrying the team. Cincinnati is coming into their own, building a D with some vets like Tank Johnson, Roy Williams, and a scary rookie in Rey Maualuga. Sure, they’re only 17th in total defense, but it’s a far cry from recent seasons. With the new lease on life, I think we see a bit of an upset here. Carson Palmer’s back, and I think he’ll surprise the Ravens. As well as many prognosticators who saw them bottom-lining the AFC North.
MY PICK: Cincinnati 14, Baltimore 13
Oakland at New York Giants
“Obviously you're not a golfer.” – Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski (Jeff Bridges)
I’m not commenting on The Dude’s quick witted line, but rather the idea of golf. When you’re the Raiders, you can book your tee times for January in advance. Like, in November. This game? Even without Eli (maybe), they’re still going to crush the worst offense in the league (definitely).
MY PICK: New York 31, Oakland 7
Dallas at Kansas City
“Strong men also cry... strong men also cry.” – The Big Lebowski (Dave Huddleston)
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not calling Tony Romo strong. But his tears are an endless source of comedy. That last drive against Denver was a microcosm of a typical Dallas season: look inexplicably strong for a while, fall apart at the end. If they don’t win this week….well, I have no idea.
MY PICK: Dallas 30, Kansas City 10
Washington at Carolina
“Well maybe you and me could pool our resources, you know, trade information? Professional courtesy? Compeers, you know?” – Da Fino (Jon Polito)
Jim Zorn and John Fox could both use someone to offer up special services in order to get their seasons straight. Neither seems to have control of their team to any degree, with Zorn a freak-out artist and Fox clinging to his beer truck buddy in Jake Delhomme. The only difference? Carolina had a week to rest. They get the nod.
MY PICK: Carolina 17, Washington 10
Minnesota at St. Louis
“My father's weakness is vanity, hence the slut.” – Maude Lebowski (Julianne Moore)
Brett Favre is vain, especially for a southern boy. But hey, he’s 4-0, right? A lot of that is on the running game, as well as the defensive line from Hell, so it’s not like Favre has had to dig deep to save the day. Safe passes are the order for as long as nobody can stop Adrian Peterson. Don’t look for it to happen this week, either.
MY PICK: Minnesota 35, St. Louis 7
Tampa Bay at Philadelphia
“I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.” – Walter Sobchak (John Goodman)
Does Tampa Bay even have a system? 27 in offense, 31 in defense, and quarterback controversy featuring three players who clearly aren’t going to the Pro Bowl, unless swine flu runs rampant on most of the league. Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook are back, but why bother? I think Michael Vick with three Doberman pinschers latched to his calves can break a couple on the Bucs.
MY PICK: Philadelphia 28, Tampa Bay 10
Pittsburgh at Detroit
“No, Donny, these men are nihilists, there's nothing to be afraid of.” – Walter Sobchak (John Goodman)
Detroit was barking after they edged out Washington to break their futility streak. A week later, they were back in a familiar place, getting shellacked by Chicago after a valiant fight early. I doubt Pittsburgh will be terribly afraid of Detroit, unless Larry Foote knows Ben Roethlisberger’s mortal flaws. Speaking of mortal, Matthew Stafford’s knee isn’t 100%. Detroit never was 100% themselves, but this lessens their chances of the upset.
MY PICK: Pittsburgh 31, Detroit 14
Cleveland at Buffalo
“That rug really tied the room together.” – Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski (Jeff Bridges)
Braylon Edwards to the Jets. A case can be made that he was the star of that offense, especially with Kellen Winslow shipped away and Jamal Lewis crumbling. But until Jerome Harrison fully emerges, they’re below average with even less of a passing game. A friend of mine gobbled up Buffalo’s defense (yes, BUFFALO’S defense) in my fantasy league. There’s a reason. Get ‘cher popcorn ready!
MY PICK: Buffalo 24, Cleveland 7
Atlanta at San Francisco
“You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me.” – Walter Sobchak (John Goodman)
Every time I think of Mike Singletary, I envision someone who could very possibly be involved in criminal activity, but you wouldn’t have the guts to ask him outright. Atlanta, in my opinion, looks vulnerable, even with the bye. Their defense doesn’t cover the pass well, and their offense is predicated on Michael Turner opening up the holes himself. Singletary’s D is only allowing less than 74 rushing yards per game. Stop Turner, stop the Falcons. Like cutting the head off of a snake.
MY PICK: San Francisco 17, Atlanta 13
Houston at Arizona
“Her life is in your hands, Dude.” – Brandt (Phillip Seymour Hoffman)
The only way to end the “Super Bowl Loser” curse is to have Arizona succeed this season. It’s up to Kurt Warner to come through and start hitting his targets better. He can’t complain, he has two of the best in the game. Is this Larry Fitzgerald’s Madden Curse? I think for the ten years or so that Madden himself was the cover boy, the curse was Pat Summerall getting 8% worse on commentary each year. But back to the point at hand, Warner had a week off to put up with Brenda’s nagging. That alone should fuel his religious rage, Houston’s offensive power be damned.
MY PICK: Arizona 34, Houston 24
New England at Denver
“Donny, you're out of your element!” – Walter Sobchak (John Goodman)
In the spring time, we all lined this quote up for Josh McDaniels. Right now, he’s laughing his pre-pubescent face off at the world. 4-0 with Kyle Orton? Granted, the revamped defense and the Buckhalter/Moreno onslaught that nets 148 yards a game are the cause, but let’s give the man his due. That said, when Tom Brady’s on a roll, he’s on a roll. The Pats are feeling good after taking down Atlanta and Baltimore, and when the momentum wave starts, Orton and McDaniels may be in over their head.
MY PICK: New England 20, Denver 13
Jacksonville at Seattle
“The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals.” – The Stranger (Sam Elliott)
The Jags have a lot of stock in Maurice Jones-Drew. Also, the sky is blue. With all their hopes on his meaty frame, he’s carried them to two stunning victories thus far, at least in my eyes. It won’t be so stunning when he steps all over a sinking (Space City) ship.
MY PICK: Jacksonville 27, Seattle 14
Indianapolis at Tennessee
“He believes the culprits might be the very people who, uh, soiled your rug, and you are in a unique position to confirm or disconfirm that suspicion.”- Brandt (Phillip Seymour Hoffman)
The Dude was in disbelief that he found himself in such a predicament. The Titans definitely can’t believe they went from home field a year ago to 0-4. What happened? Kerry Collins got old. They’re not planning for tomorrow. It’s like a bizarre transition year, but after the heights they saw a year ago? But guess what? I think this is the week they do something about it. Prime time against Peyton Manning is a VERY risky bet, but I have a feeling that Chris Johnson makes the plays himself. Call it a hunch.
MY PICK: Tennessee 30, Indianapolis 28
New York Jets at Miami
“Start talking and talk fast you lousy bum.” – The Big Lebowski (Dave Huddleston)
I don’t think Tony Sparano enjoys explaining to Bill Parcells why the 2009 Dolphins are different fish from the 2008 Dolphins. That team that won the division is gone, along with Chad Pennington’s shoulder. The win over Buffalo showed promise from Chad Henne, but what’s that? Could that be Rex Ryan’s defense on the horizon? Unlike the ESPN commercials, I don’t believe Mr. Henne is living for Monday.
MY PICK: New York 27, Miami 10
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded columnist or author. He tweets at http://twitter.com/mindofjrhsports and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.
by Justin Henry
Today, I would like to preach "patience".
The Browns fans need to be patient with Eric Mangini while he benches a superstar quarterback and trades away one of his best offensive weapons, both of whom were floundering under his Gestapo-like rule. Raiders fans need to be patient with JaMarcus Russell, because sooner or later, he'll get that completion percentage to about 45%, and you'll be sorry you ever doubted him. Tennessee fans, of course, need to demonstrate some form of patience for their 0-4 crew. Things will pick up sooner or later, right? I mean, don't you feel secure in knowing that if the mighty Kerry Collins should continue his unexpected stumble, that Vince Young is right there to pick up the pieces?
Patience. Week five isn't even here yet. It can only get better.
Right?
Right.
Speaking of patience, this week's theme: The Big Lebowski. Who better than "The Dude" to teach us to remain calm under duress? Look at the mess he was involved in with the nihilists, Jackie Treehorn, and having to keep Walter from going to jail. Did he spaz? Not too often.
So let's abide. Roll week five.
LAST WEEK: 11-3
Cincinnati at Baltimore
“You mark that frame an 8, and you're entering a world of pain.” – Walter Sobchak (John Goodman)
I love the sense of martial law that both teams bring. Baltimore has the more reputable defense, evidenced by years of carrying the team. Cincinnati is coming into their own, building a D with some vets like Tank Johnson, Roy Williams, and a scary rookie in Rey Maualuga. Sure, they’re only 17th in total defense, but it’s a far cry from recent seasons. With the new lease on life, I think we see a bit of an upset here. Carson Palmer’s back, and I think he’ll surprise the Ravens. As well as many prognosticators who saw them bottom-lining the AFC North.
MY PICK: Cincinnati 14, Baltimore 13
Oakland at New York Giants
“Obviously you're not a golfer.” – Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski (Jeff Bridges)
I’m not commenting on The Dude’s quick witted line, but rather the idea of golf. When you’re the Raiders, you can book your tee times for January in advance. Like, in November. This game? Even without Eli (maybe), they’re still going to crush the worst offense in the league (definitely).
MY PICK: New York 31, Oakland 7
Dallas at Kansas City
“Strong men also cry... strong men also cry.” – The Big Lebowski (Dave Huddleston)
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not calling Tony Romo strong. But his tears are an endless source of comedy. That last drive against Denver was a microcosm of a typical Dallas season: look inexplicably strong for a while, fall apart at the end. If they don’t win this week….well, I have no idea.
MY PICK: Dallas 30, Kansas City 10
Washington at Carolina
“Well maybe you and me could pool our resources, you know, trade information? Professional courtesy? Compeers, you know?” – Da Fino (Jon Polito)
Jim Zorn and John Fox could both use someone to offer up special services in order to get their seasons straight. Neither seems to have control of their team to any degree, with Zorn a freak-out artist and Fox clinging to his beer truck buddy in Jake Delhomme. The only difference? Carolina had a week to rest. They get the nod.
MY PICK: Carolina 17, Washington 10
Minnesota at St. Louis
“My father's weakness is vanity, hence the slut.” – Maude Lebowski (Julianne Moore)
Brett Favre is vain, especially for a southern boy. But hey, he’s 4-0, right? A lot of that is on the running game, as well as the defensive line from Hell, so it’s not like Favre has had to dig deep to save the day. Safe passes are the order for as long as nobody can stop Adrian Peterson. Don’t look for it to happen this week, either.
MY PICK: Minnesota 35, St. Louis 7
Tampa Bay at Philadelphia
“I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.” – Walter Sobchak (John Goodman)
Does Tampa Bay even have a system? 27 in offense, 31 in defense, and quarterback controversy featuring three players who clearly aren’t going to the Pro Bowl, unless swine flu runs rampant on most of the league. Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook are back, but why bother? I think Michael Vick with three Doberman pinschers latched to his calves can break a couple on the Bucs.
MY PICK: Philadelphia 28, Tampa Bay 10
Pittsburgh at Detroit
“No, Donny, these men are nihilists, there's nothing to be afraid of.” – Walter Sobchak (John Goodman)
Detroit was barking after they edged out Washington to break their futility streak. A week later, they were back in a familiar place, getting shellacked by Chicago after a valiant fight early. I doubt Pittsburgh will be terribly afraid of Detroit, unless Larry Foote knows Ben Roethlisberger’s mortal flaws. Speaking of mortal, Matthew Stafford’s knee isn’t 100%. Detroit never was 100% themselves, but this lessens their chances of the upset.
MY PICK: Pittsburgh 31, Detroit 14
Cleveland at Buffalo
“That rug really tied the room together.” – Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski (Jeff Bridges)
Braylon Edwards to the Jets. A case can be made that he was the star of that offense, especially with Kellen Winslow shipped away and Jamal Lewis crumbling. But until Jerome Harrison fully emerges, they’re below average with even less of a passing game. A friend of mine gobbled up Buffalo’s defense (yes, BUFFALO’S defense) in my fantasy league. There’s a reason. Get ‘cher popcorn ready!
MY PICK: Buffalo 24, Cleveland 7
Atlanta at San Francisco
“You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me.” – Walter Sobchak (John Goodman)
Every time I think of Mike Singletary, I envision someone who could very possibly be involved in criminal activity, but you wouldn’t have the guts to ask him outright. Atlanta, in my opinion, looks vulnerable, even with the bye. Their defense doesn’t cover the pass well, and their offense is predicated on Michael Turner opening up the holes himself. Singletary’s D is only allowing less than 74 rushing yards per game. Stop Turner, stop the Falcons. Like cutting the head off of a snake.
MY PICK: San Francisco 17, Atlanta 13
Houston at Arizona
“Her life is in your hands, Dude.” – Brandt (Phillip Seymour Hoffman)
The only way to end the “Super Bowl Loser” curse is to have Arizona succeed this season. It’s up to Kurt Warner to come through and start hitting his targets better. He can’t complain, he has two of the best in the game. Is this Larry Fitzgerald’s Madden Curse? I think for the ten years or so that Madden himself was the cover boy, the curse was Pat Summerall getting 8% worse on commentary each year. But back to the point at hand, Warner had a week off to put up with Brenda’s nagging. That alone should fuel his religious rage, Houston’s offensive power be damned.
MY PICK: Arizona 34, Houston 24
New England at Denver
“Donny, you're out of your element!” – Walter Sobchak (John Goodman)
In the spring time, we all lined this quote up for Josh McDaniels. Right now, he’s laughing his pre-pubescent face off at the world. 4-0 with Kyle Orton? Granted, the revamped defense and the Buckhalter/Moreno onslaught that nets 148 yards a game are the cause, but let’s give the man his due. That said, when Tom Brady’s on a roll, he’s on a roll. The Pats are feeling good after taking down Atlanta and Baltimore, and when the momentum wave starts, Orton and McDaniels may be in over their head.
MY PICK: New England 20, Denver 13
Jacksonville at Seattle
“The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals.” – The Stranger (Sam Elliott)
The Jags have a lot of stock in Maurice Jones-Drew. Also, the sky is blue. With all their hopes on his meaty frame, he’s carried them to two stunning victories thus far, at least in my eyes. It won’t be so stunning when he steps all over a sinking (Space City) ship.
MY PICK: Jacksonville 27, Seattle 14
Indianapolis at Tennessee
“He believes the culprits might be the very people who, uh, soiled your rug, and you are in a unique position to confirm or disconfirm that suspicion.”- Brandt (Phillip Seymour Hoffman)
The Dude was in disbelief that he found himself in such a predicament. The Titans definitely can’t believe they went from home field a year ago to 0-4. What happened? Kerry Collins got old. They’re not planning for tomorrow. It’s like a bizarre transition year, but after the heights they saw a year ago? But guess what? I think this is the week they do something about it. Prime time against Peyton Manning is a VERY risky bet, but I have a feeling that Chris Johnson makes the plays himself. Call it a hunch.
MY PICK: Tennessee 30, Indianapolis 28
New York Jets at Miami
“Start talking and talk fast you lousy bum.” – The Big Lebowski (Dave Huddleston)
I don’t think Tony Sparano enjoys explaining to Bill Parcells why the 2009 Dolphins are different fish from the 2008 Dolphins. That team that won the division is gone, along with Chad Pennington’s shoulder. The win over Buffalo showed promise from Chad Henne, but what’s that? Could that be Rex Ryan’s defense on the horizon? Unlike the ESPN commercials, I don’t believe Mr. Henne is living for Monday.
MY PICK: New York 27, Miami 10
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded columnist or author. He tweets at http://twitter.com/mindofjrhsports and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Baseball: ZOMBIESPN
ZOMBIESPN
by Justin Henry
After I left work on Tuesday afternoon, I had two thoughts in mind. One was getting home to see the Minnesota Twins-Detroit Tigers one game playoff, in order to see who would snag the American League Central crown. The other was the movie 'Zombieland', which I had watched the previous evening. It was a rather amusing little zom-com (zombie-comedy) about post-Apocalyptic America where four survivors of the zombie plague travel the ravaged landscape, having adventures while dealing with the reality that they, too, may be bitten, and forced to join the undead army.
I smiled at the thought of being like Woody Harrelson's character, Tallahassee. He was your typical Southern-boy hellion with sunglasses, cowboy hat, and an array of weapons at his disposal that would make the Gotti family drool with envy. With an ice-cold disposition, he slaughtered his way through the hordes of flesh-chompers, all with the goal of finding the one thing that can make him happy: Twinkies.
Well, it’s not like I took the movie seriously.
But I do take my baseball seriously, especially such an important game between two evenly matched teams, with a chance at glory at stake. So as I made it to my truck, and unlocked the driver’s side door, my tunnel vision was set on this game. But just before I could stick my first leg over my seat, something caught my attention.
There was a man down in the parking lot.
Fearing that he was struck by a car, or had a heart attack, I went rushing over to see if he could lend assistance. My heart racing, I rolled him over to make two horrifying discoveries!
He was a zombie! A Brett Favre zombie!
I slowly backed away and begged off, as this hideous man, spewing this viscous and vile liquid, lumbered toward me with a bug-eyed expression across his aged and weathered face.
“Don’t….watch….baseball….watch….ME!” he muttered.
In a panic, I pulled out my safety blade and jammed the razor clean into his forehead! As Zombie Favre fell to the ground, I struggled to catch my breath, all while trying to make sense of the situation. But then he lurched back to life! As he made a move to bite my ankle, I stomped his head into the black top, his cranial innards gushing out across the pavement.
I lurched back toward my truck, not really wanting to let anyone know that I just killed anyone, let alone Brett Favre, the athletic parasite. But I stopped dead in my tracks, just ten feet from my ride. For another zombie stood in front of my driver’s side door!
It was zombie Sidney Crosby!
I only recognized him because 93% of all hockey highlights aired on ESPN are of him. I have a better chance of seeing ESPN hire Rae Carruth as an analyst than I do seeing footage of my beloved Devils on SportsCenter. Crosby was also disheveled looking. What would Gary Bettman think of his unflattering protégé?
Crosby made a move at me, and before I could react, he was decapitated by a football! Favre was still alive and had thrown one at me, but overshot it and nailed hockey’s golden child!
So much for ‘safe passes’.
I jumped into my truck and drove off, past a staggering Favre, speeding through the parking lot. It was then that I was cut off by an erratically-driven SUV! I screeched to a halt, but it was to my horror and astonishment when I saw who emerged from the vehicle.
Zombie Tank Johnson! Zombie Pacman Jones! Zombie Delonte West! Zombie Plaxico Burress!
And they had guns!
They seemed angry. Angry that I would want to watch a baseball game filled with class, integrity, hard work, and gamesmanship rather than watch ESPN and be bombarded with stories about criminals! I mean, I know controversy sells, but leave me alone!
I backed up my Chevy Blazer and then rammed full speed ahead, mowing down Pacman, making him fumble his guns. As I tried to leave the lot, I realized that there was a whole army blocking my escape! And they were all hideous creatures!
In one group, you had Zombie Terrell Owens, Zombie Chad Ocho Cinco, Zombie Tony Stewart, and just about any annoying and obnoxious spotlight-hog you can imagine!
I was not about to give them the satisfaction of making me pay attention to them, over a tremendous baseball contest.
That’s when Johnson, West, and Burress began shooting! They missed me completely, but they mowed down the cult of look-at-mes! I guess if you’re a crazed athlete with a gun, it doesn’t matter who you shoot. You’re going to be on ESPN anyway.
Before Roger Cossack could provide analysis of what all of this would mean, over the hill came a pack of wild dogs, attacking the gunmen and ripping their zombie limbs apart! I turned and saw Zombie Michael Vick, standing at the south exit, dragging his feet behind them. Then the dogs, after enjoying their meal of criminal zombies, all turned to me.
I may be an Eagles fan who loves the ‘Wildcat’, but I’m not stupid.
“Why don’t you kill Michael Vick?!” I screamed. “He’s only going to hurt you!”
In a moment of canine lucidity, the dogs seemed to agree, and that’s when they ran down and chewed up their ‘master’ in the ultimate act of irony. I’m sure Vick wouldn’t mind. It’s part of his culture, you know.
I ran over and grabbed an AK-47 from Tank Johnson’s cache, prepared to see myself out of this jam. I was going to need it, because over the hill came the worst kind of zombies: the zombies that ESPN promotes for being superstars and good people, even though you’re sick of hearing about them!
Zombie Lance Armstrong! BLAM! Knocked off his misshapen bike! I don’t care about cycling, ESPN!
Zombie LeBron James! BANG! Call me when you win something, you overpaid schmuck!
Zombie Tim Tebow! RAT TAT TAT! Don’t worry, I’m sure your judgment will go fast!
Zombie Tiger Woods! KA-BOOM! All that heart you have is splattered on the pavement!
Zombie Erin Andrews…..wait.
How can I kill one of the most beautiful employees in ESPN’s history? The sideline reporter with the amazing body who is the object of desire for millions of horny sports fanboys? Even as a zombie, she’s kind of cute. Can I really bring myself to slice and dice her entrails with bullets?
Then she spoke
“WHAT HAPPENED TO ME WAS WRONG! I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK! I DON’T WANT TO BE KNOWN AS THE WOMAN WHO WAS TAPED! I WANT MY LIFE BACK! AND I’M GOING TO GO ON EVERY TALK SHOW UNTIL MY LIF—“
BANG! BOOM! BLAM!
If I had martial law and carte blanche, the hypocrites die first.
I surveyed the landscape, realized Favre was still alive, and shot him again. He never seems to go away, now does he?
The police arrived, and it looked like I was in trouble. It may have been self defense, but I was responsible for the deaths of many. Two officers stepped out of their squad car, and the driving cop had his gun drawn.
“Hands where I can see them!”
As I dropped my assault weapon, I prepared to surrender, when the passenger cop responded to his radio
“Yes, Captain?”
“Leave that Henry kid alone. According to the latest ESPN Sports Nation poll, 97% of all fans and viewers would not mind seeing the overhyped and overrated athletes die painful deaths if it ends the media overload.”
The first cop holstered his piece. “You got lucky this time, kid. But I’ll be watching you!”
I smiled. “Speaking of watching, I’d rather be home watching the Twins-Tigers game….”
The second cop smiled also. “Yeah, so would we. Want a ride to Hooters? We’re on our way too.”
So I hopped in the backseat of the squad car, prepared to enjoy what any sensible sports fan would enjoy: great action, competitiveness, hard work, and no bad apples creating controversy just to plug their CD or clothing line. Turned out that it was one of the most exciting games I’ve ever seen in my life. 12 innings. False finishes. Close plays. Players giving their all for a chance to go to the playoffs. It’s no surprise that something that special wasn’t squandered on ESPN.
After all, the game was zombie free.
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded columnist or author. He tweets at http://twitter.com/mindofjrhsports and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.
by Justin Henry
After I left work on Tuesday afternoon, I had two thoughts in mind. One was getting home to see the Minnesota Twins-Detroit Tigers one game playoff, in order to see who would snag the American League Central crown. The other was the movie 'Zombieland', which I had watched the previous evening. It was a rather amusing little zom-com (zombie-comedy) about post-Apocalyptic America where four survivors of the zombie plague travel the ravaged landscape, having adventures while dealing with the reality that they, too, may be bitten, and forced to join the undead army.
I smiled at the thought of being like Woody Harrelson's character, Tallahassee. He was your typical Southern-boy hellion with sunglasses, cowboy hat, and an array of weapons at his disposal that would make the Gotti family drool with envy. With an ice-cold disposition, he slaughtered his way through the hordes of flesh-chompers, all with the goal of finding the one thing that can make him happy: Twinkies.
Well, it’s not like I took the movie seriously.
But I do take my baseball seriously, especially such an important game between two evenly matched teams, with a chance at glory at stake. So as I made it to my truck, and unlocked the driver’s side door, my tunnel vision was set on this game. But just before I could stick my first leg over my seat, something caught my attention.
There was a man down in the parking lot.
Fearing that he was struck by a car, or had a heart attack, I went rushing over to see if he could lend assistance. My heart racing, I rolled him over to make two horrifying discoveries!
He was a zombie! A Brett Favre zombie!
I slowly backed away and begged off, as this hideous man, spewing this viscous and vile liquid, lumbered toward me with a bug-eyed expression across his aged and weathered face.
“Don’t….watch….baseball….watch….ME!” he muttered.
In a panic, I pulled out my safety blade and jammed the razor clean into his forehead! As Zombie Favre fell to the ground, I struggled to catch my breath, all while trying to make sense of the situation. But then he lurched back to life! As he made a move to bite my ankle, I stomped his head into the black top, his cranial innards gushing out across the pavement.
I lurched back toward my truck, not really wanting to let anyone know that I just killed anyone, let alone Brett Favre, the athletic parasite. But I stopped dead in my tracks, just ten feet from my ride. For another zombie stood in front of my driver’s side door!
It was zombie Sidney Crosby!
I only recognized him because 93% of all hockey highlights aired on ESPN are of him. I have a better chance of seeing ESPN hire Rae Carruth as an analyst than I do seeing footage of my beloved Devils on SportsCenter. Crosby was also disheveled looking. What would Gary Bettman think of his unflattering protégé?
Crosby made a move at me, and before I could react, he was decapitated by a football! Favre was still alive and had thrown one at me, but overshot it and nailed hockey’s golden child!
So much for ‘safe passes’.
I jumped into my truck and drove off, past a staggering Favre, speeding through the parking lot. It was then that I was cut off by an erratically-driven SUV! I screeched to a halt, but it was to my horror and astonishment when I saw who emerged from the vehicle.
Zombie Tank Johnson! Zombie Pacman Jones! Zombie Delonte West! Zombie Plaxico Burress!
And they had guns!
They seemed angry. Angry that I would want to watch a baseball game filled with class, integrity, hard work, and gamesmanship rather than watch ESPN and be bombarded with stories about criminals! I mean, I know controversy sells, but leave me alone!
I backed up my Chevy Blazer and then rammed full speed ahead, mowing down Pacman, making him fumble his guns. As I tried to leave the lot, I realized that there was a whole army blocking my escape! And they were all hideous creatures!
In one group, you had Zombie Terrell Owens, Zombie Chad Ocho Cinco, Zombie Tony Stewart, and just about any annoying and obnoxious spotlight-hog you can imagine!
I was not about to give them the satisfaction of making me pay attention to them, over a tremendous baseball contest.
That’s when Johnson, West, and Burress began shooting! They missed me completely, but they mowed down the cult of look-at-mes! I guess if you’re a crazed athlete with a gun, it doesn’t matter who you shoot. You’re going to be on ESPN anyway.
Before Roger Cossack could provide analysis of what all of this would mean, over the hill came a pack of wild dogs, attacking the gunmen and ripping their zombie limbs apart! I turned and saw Zombie Michael Vick, standing at the south exit, dragging his feet behind them. Then the dogs, after enjoying their meal of criminal zombies, all turned to me.
I may be an Eagles fan who loves the ‘Wildcat’, but I’m not stupid.
“Why don’t you kill Michael Vick?!” I screamed. “He’s only going to hurt you!”
In a moment of canine lucidity, the dogs seemed to agree, and that’s when they ran down and chewed up their ‘master’ in the ultimate act of irony. I’m sure Vick wouldn’t mind. It’s part of his culture, you know.
I ran over and grabbed an AK-47 from Tank Johnson’s cache, prepared to see myself out of this jam. I was going to need it, because over the hill came the worst kind of zombies: the zombies that ESPN promotes for being superstars and good people, even though you’re sick of hearing about them!
Zombie Lance Armstrong! BLAM! Knocked off his misshapen bike! I don’t care about cycling, ESPN!
Zombie LeBron James! BANG! Call me when you win something, you overpaid schmuck!
Zombie Tim Tebow! RAT TAT TAT! Don’t worry, I’m sure your judgment will go fast!
Zombie Tiger Woods! KA-BOOM! All that heart you have is splattered on the pavement!
Zombie Erin Andrews…..wait.
How can I kill one of the most beautiful employees in ESPN’s history? The sideline reporter with the amazing body who is the object of desire for millions of horny sports fanboys? Even as a zombie, she’s kind of cute. Can I really bring myself to slice and dice her entrails with bullets?
Then she spoke
“WHAT HAPPENED TO ME WAS WRONG! I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK! I DON’T WANT TO BE KNOWN AS THE WOMAN WHO WAS TAPED! I WANT MY LIFE BACK! AND I’M GOING TO GO ON EVERY TALK SHOW UNTIL MY LIF—“
BANG! BOOM! BLAM!
If I had martial law and carte blanche, the hypocrites die first.
I surveyed the landscape, realized Favre was still alive, and shot him again. He never seems to go away, now does he?
The police arrived, and it looked like I was in trouble. It may have been self defense, but I was responsible for the deaths of many. Two officers stepped out of their squad car, and the driving cop had his gun drawn.
“Hands where I can see them!”
As I dropped my assault weapon, I prepared to surrender, when the passenger cop responded to his radio
“Yes, Captain?”
“Leave that Henry kid alone. According to the latest ESPN Sports Nation poll, 97% of all fans and viewers would not mind seeing the overhyped and overrated athletes die painful deaths if it ends the media overload.”
The first cop holstered his piece. “You got lucky this time, kid. But I’ll be watching you!”
I smiled. “Speaking of watching, I’d rather be home watching the Twins-Tigers game….”
The second cop smiled also. “Yeah, so would we. Want a ride to Hooters? We’re on our way too.”
So I hopped in the backseat of the squad car, prepared to enjoy what any sensible sports fan would enjoy: great action, competitiveness, hard work, and no bad apples creating controversy just to plug their CD or clothing line. Turned out that it was one of the most exciting games I’ve ever seen in my life. 12 innings. False finishes. Close plays. Players giving their all for a chance to go to the playoffs. It’s no surprise that something that special wasn’t squandered on ESPN.
After all, the game was zombie free.
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded columnist or author. He tweets at http://twitter.com/mindofjrhsports and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Wrestling: EDDIE GUERRERO'S MANUFACTURED PEDESTAL
EDDIE GUERRERO'S MANUFACTURED PEDESTAL
by Justin Henry
Generally, I don't watch a whole lot of Smackdown. If I do watch it to any considerable length, it's because there was something in the spoilers that caught my eye; whether it's a lengthy see-saw battle of a match, somebody returning or debuting that I have stock in, or for a moment that has potential to make the storyline that it's housed in suddenly become white hot. The reasons for conventionally skipping the Thursday/Friday night flagship show are many. Whether it was Michael Cole's forced commentary (not an issue now, but the stench remains), the annoying fake crowd noises, or the fact that WWE treats Smackdown like the whore sister of the brood in favor of the golden child known as Monday Night Raw (which makes ECW the bug-eyed mongoloid that's chained up in the cellar), Smackdown can be considered rather unappetizing. When I actually do catch the show, it’s pretty much on in the background while I write or talk to friends and loved ones over the phone.
On Friday night, October 2, 2009, WWE produced the special Tenth Anniversary edition of Smackdown (one month late of the anniversary, but let’s not split hairs). In true WWE fashion, the evening was ostended with many videos that highlighted some of the more memorable moments in the show’s decade-long history. I paid a little more attention to the show this time around due to the nature of the program. What a show it was, too. Comedy sketches backstage, solid in-ring action, an appearance by their greatest star in company history in The Rock, and, of course, the video packages that summarized what the show was all about.
One video package stood out from the rest.
One dedicated entirely to Eddie Guerrero.
Played to the tune of “Hear Me Now” by Boyce Avenue, Eddie was given a lavish tribute. It’s emblematic for WWE to create videos of fallen or departed stars, setting them to peaceful contempory rock music. Guerrero was no exception, as many of us still remember the two tribute packages he got on his memorial show, with both “Hurt” by Johnny Cash and “Here Without You” by 3 Doors Down punctuating the images. This was no different, as the familiar sights of him performing his graceful top rope offense, clowning around with his cunning trickery directed at opponents, celebrating his only World Championship reign, and spending time with his lovely wife Vickie, and children Shaul and Sherilyn, rounded out this remembrance. Also included was footage of the previously mentioned memorial show in 2005, where the entire roster assembled at the entrance way while the ring bell was tolled to mark his passing.
Missing from that portion of the tribute was Eddie Guerrero’s best friend and partner on the road, Chris Benoit. Now, it’s obvious why Benoit was excised from the video. If you don’t have the internet, nor access to the shark tanks that we call “cable news shows”, then let me briefly remind you that Benoit left this planet on a humid weekend in June of 2007, but not before ending the lives of his wife, Nancy, and his seven-year-old son, Daniel. After disposing of Nancy in violent fashion via excessive strangulation, followed by a somewhat more sedated suffocation for his pint-sized child, Benoit lingered about amongst the bodies for close to another 24 hours before texting his last words to some fellow wrestlers, and then hanging himself from a weight machine in his basement. Chris Benoit was 40 years old.
Once the world became aware of Benoit’s final acts of depravity, he vanished in another way. In addition to being dead, he was also dead to WWE and Vince McMahon, who removed 98% of him from company history. Except in rare cases, you will never find Benoit on any DVD releases that the company pumps out. His action figures and other miscellaneous merchandise were gone from store shelves, including his anthology DVD set, released in 2004. Vince McMahon would have to attach Benoit’s ashes to the fuselage of the Endeavor space shuttle in order to create more distance between the once-beloved murderer and his company.
Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit. Two men that, in death, receive very different treatments from their ex-employer. For Benoit, it’s excommunication in light of the dark cloud that his demise created. For Guerrero, it’s ascension to sainthood. In addition to the tribute videos, he was also inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame close to five months after his death (with Benoit providing a third of the induction testimonial, as his close friend and all), as well as a second commemorative DVD, released in 2008, featuring more classic matches, as well as glowing words from his living family, friends, and peers. His name was also entrenched in pointless storylines that lasted well over a year after his death, with no less than friends like Benoit and Rey Mysterio, peers such as Randy Orton and John Bradshaw Layfield, his nephew Chavo Guerrero, and wife Vickie name-dropping him to drag feuds along. No other performer in WWE’s half-century history had received such extensive praise and devotion in death as Guerrero, which is a mountain compared to the erasure of Benoit.
We probably shouldn’t be comparing the two, however. I mean, Benoit’s a murderer, right? He killed his wife and son before committing suicide, likely to avoid prosecution and public shame (well, at least having to live through it). The Chris Benoit that his fans remember was one of the hardest working, dedicated perfectionists that had ever been seen inside a ring. His execution of moves and holds were flawless. He could take the clunkiest muscle-head and make them look passable between the ropes. He would take direction well, losing to inferior opponents without sandbagging them out of spite. His dedication didn’t go unnoticed, as a very vocal portion of the wrestling audience lauded him for his life’s portfolio. Fans in Canada, Japan, Mexico, Europe, and the United States all got to see Benoit in person on numerous occasions, which bestowed global stardom onto him. But still, let’s not forget, he’s a murderer. In fact, it’s theorized that his work ethic was a big part of his descent. Doctors would discover in an autopsy that Chris Benoit’s brain was 85% damaged, the type of damage best attributed to advanced cases of Alzheimer’s. For a 40 year old man, that has to be unusual, if there was no explanation. It can, however, be explained when you watch Benoit’s body of work that spanned twenty-two years. When you consider all of the times that he landed on his head, took steel chairs to an uncovered face and forehead, and worked himself into oblivion for the sake of his art, it’s no shock that he was such a physical wreck. Compound this state of body with a mutated frame perpetrated by years of steroid abuse (used to provide a more impressive physique, to win consideration from his bosses for bigger roles), and the once lean and athletic Canadian had grown into a sloped, grotesque demon whose life purpose had been to damage his body and brain for the greater good of professional wrestling.
His mind state was also hindered. Generally quiet and paranoid as a rule, Benoit fell down the rungs of sanity when he lost three close friends in three months. In November 2005, it was Guerrero, his travel partner and best friend. In January 2006, it was Victor “Black Cat” Mar, a wrestler and talent liaison in Japan who was warmly regarded by everyone who knew him. Three weeks later, it would be Johnny Grunge, former tag team wrestler and Benoit’s neighbor in Georgia, who served as the Wilson to Benoit’s Tim “The Toolman” Taylor whenever Chris needed someone to confide his fears and problems. With his friendship circle diminishing, Benoit believed he was going to die very soon as well. In letters to his dead friend Eddie Guerrero, written in a personal journal, Benoit noted that he would be seeing his friend very soon.
So add it all up. When you mix brain damage, extreme perfectionism, psychotic paranoia, and chronic drug use, it’s no surprise that a man is dead just after his fortieth birthday. The double homicide can never be expected or justified, but it sounds just a little more feasible when you consider the wealth of evidence.
It’s no surprise either that WWE would wash their hands of Chris Benoit, right? I mean, this is a publicly traded company that markets to families and children. Just like Disney would never do another movie with Miley Cyrus if she killed someone, World Wrestling Entertainment would want nothing to do with a psychotic junkie murderer.
Why can’t he be more like Eddie Guerrero?
I say the previous sentence with a tinge of sarcasm, because one of my biggest flaws is that I read a lot. As a wrestling fan of twenty years, I’ve immersed myself in hordes of wrestling literature, TV specials, web sites, and the like that provide any kind of additional perspective on the medium of entertainment that I’ve fondly enjoyed. With this comes the unfortunate prospect of reading about the participants, these larger-than-life heroes, in a negative sense.
I’ve grown accustomed to accepting that just about everyone in the business is a scumbag in one sense or another. Well, actually, that’s rather harsh. But there’s a good chance that you can find one unlikeable flaw in every single wrestler or performer that you’ve seen on TV. Let’s look at my childhood heroes, and point at some accepted truths.
Bret Hart – Once generally considered to be a model citizen by fans worldwide, “The Hitman” has readily admitted to cheating on his ex-wife, Julie, on many occasions. In his autobiography, he painted vivid pictures of these affairs, able to describe the women in these one night stands with tremendous recollection, often years after the fact. Also, he’s been exposed as somewhat of a whiner who took the business way too seriously.
Shawn Michaels – Long before his kick with Jesus Christ, Michaels was a whining drug addict who used his influence to effectively bury the careers of his fellow performers. Living inside Vince McMahon’s ear, if you weren’t friends with the Heartbreak Kid, you were screwed.
Chris Benoit – This has been established.
“Macho Man” Randy Savage – The former pitchman for Slim Jims has been outed as being insanely paranoid, to the point where he would confront you with force should you ever be caught looking at his ex-wife, the lovely Miss Elizabeth. His incredible jealousy of former friend Hulk Hogan is legendary, to the point where he performed a rap theme, calling him out for a legit fight. He is not welcome back in WWE, allegedly due to an encounter he had with an underage Stephanie McMahon, which has never been fully proven or disputed.
This is just a core sample of the men that I would happy buy the merchandise of. While I can still enjoy their body of work, as well as harbor feelings of nostalgia, I really couldn’t fully endorse their lifestyles. When the persona is separate from the man, it becomes easier. Bret Hart the persona? Shawn Michaels the persona? Love em. Bret Hart the person? Shawn Michaels the person? Now it gets complicated.
The problem I have with the tribute video of Eddie Guerrero comes from having to separate the persona from the man. As a persona, he was a colorful character who brightened the segments that he appeared in, whether he was wrestling or participating in a backstage skit. Outside the ring, however, Eddie Guerrero led a very disturbing and very troubled life. Although WWE touches upon Eddie’s “demons”, and has done so in the confines of his storylines by hinting that he had to overcome these demons in order to succeed, they didn’t really tell the whole story of his issues.
Don’t believe me? For the uninitiated, Eddie Guerrero was more than just an alcoholic. He was also a regular steroid user, whose acne-riddled back, hoarse voice (in later years), and rippled muscles for a man who was 5’8” were a dead giveaway. In fact, after he supposedly ‘cleaned up’ in 2001 and 2002 from the booze, Guerrero apparently received a shipment of steroids in January 2005, which was not revealed until 2007 by Sports Illustrated. His alcohol abuse was just as prominent, requiring the help of Benoit (yes, the murderer) and fellow wrestler Dean Malenko to make it to his hotel room and to the shows on time. Guerrero was also overly emotional, especially at a time in his wrestling career where things were stalling out. With little upward mobility in WCW due to politics and inconsistent production, Guerrero was falling apart. With an increase in drinking and pain pill consumption, Guerrero was spiraling towards death at an alarming pace. In his own autobiography, he readily admits to smoking weed and taking pills without even asking what they were. It was all just an attempt to numb himself from reality.
All of this pales when compared to New Year’s Eve 1998, when Guerrero attempted to commit suicide. While messed up on GHB, he drove to a convenience store on a beer run. With his mind filled with thoughts of his unhappiness in WCW, his deteriorating marriage, and the emptiness in his soul, Guerrero sped toward home in his Trans-Am, but took a curve at 130 MPH and didn’t make it, going off the road, and crashing in a heap. He barely survived, but the injury toll was long: broken collarbone, compressed discs, broken right hip socket, shredded left calf, lacerated liver, and a seemingly endless amount of scrapes and cuts from broken glass and harsh earth after being thrown from the vehicle. How he survived is anyone’s guess. What’s scarier is that this suicide attempt took place with two little daughters at home. His attempt to escape life was with the intention, subconscious as it may have been, to leave the girls fatherless.
But this accident didn’t allow Eddie to change for the better. No, he returned to WCW less than six months later, wrestling in severe pain. After jumping to WWE six months after that, Guerrero took up the hefty road schedule that was once demanded of WWE superstars. Without letting his body heal fully, Guerrero was now working 200-300 nights a year on a hard canvas. Like Benoit, he was an ardent perfectionist inside the ring, and would be disappointed in himself if his performance was less than optimum. If his match was good, he would need pain pills and alcohol to wash away the agony that he was sure to feel. If his match was subpar, he would need those same substances to escape reality and hide from his own worst critic: himself. Without a stringent drug policy in place (WWE would later enact a trial drug testing policy, sadly, in the wake of Guerrero’s death), Guerrero’s indulgences continued to wreak havoc on his well-being.
In the spring of 2001, Guerrero hit a new low. His wife Vickie had to physically get him to the airport in order to fly out to a show, leaving him in a muddled and incoherent state in the terminal. Once at the arena, his friends tried to hide him from management. How badly messed up on drugs and booze do you have to be for a company that didn’t drug test to absolutely freak out at the sight of you? Guerrero, however, was discovered that day. He was sent home from the company, informed by Jim Ross (then the head of the talent relations department) that he could not return to WWE until he’d completed rehab. Guerrero didn’t fail a drug test by pissing in a cup, but rather he failed the one where they just look at you and say “FAIL”.
Vickie Guerrero had begun divorce proceedings, and kicked her husband out of the house. Several months into his rehab stay, Guerrero was arrested after an altercation at the gate of the complex he was staying in. With the story picked up nationally, this world famous wrestler arrested like a common criminal, Guerrero was immediately fired from World Wrestling Entertainment. Vickie was even more livid than ever, this giving her more reason to believe that she was doing the right thing in legally breaking away from Eddie Guerrero.
When you digest the previous five paragraphs, take a moment to juxtapose them with the video that aired Friday, painting Guerrero as a saintly being and family man on par with Gandhi and Mother Teresa.
Now, I’m not here to vilify Eddie Guerrero. He was one of my favorite performers and I have a lot of respect for him. The respect comes from the fact that after his arrest, he seemed driven toward righting all of his wrongs. Allegedly, he swore off alcohol forever. He went to the independent wrestling scene to rekindle his love of the sport. His hard work paid off, as WWE offered him a new contract in the spring of 2002, just months after his public humiliation. For the next three and a half years until the day he died, Guerrero rose to the status of main event wrestler, becoming the biggest star on the Smackdown brand by drawing a large minority audience who were elated to see a Hispanic man get such a huge push in a company where the main event scene was pre-dominantly white. His openness about his addictions and his apologetic demeanor earned him a lot of respect, and is probably what keeps him from being lambasted by the majority. Guerrero’s contrition, when compared to the likes of Scott Hall, Jake Roberts, and others who have drowned themselves in a sea of addiction and seem unapologetic about it, came off as genuine. There seemed to be no reason not to get behind Eddie Guerrero.
Until November 13, 2005.
I got the news during halftime of the one o’clock football games when I went online to check some e-mail. A quick trip to a wrestling news site allowed me to come face to face with the grim reality, as the top headline simply read “Eddie Guerrero passes away”. I immediately went numb, not comprehending what I was reading. Without clicking the link, I ventured to WWE.com, where the headline on the front page confirmed my fear.
Eddie Guerrero was dead at the age of 38.
Found on the floor of his hotel room bathroom by hotel security, as well as his nephew Chavo, Eddie Guerrero was apparently about to brush his teeth when his heart gave up. He left behind Vickie, who withdrew divorce proceedings and actually renewed vows with Eddie in 2003 to celebrate his turnaround. He also left behind Shaul and Sherilyn, his daughters, as well as a third daughter named Kaylie, born from another woman in 2002 during his separation from Vickie.
The images of I have of Guerrero as a master of his craft are a bit tainted. When I think of him now, I think of a man who sacrificed convention in order to succeed. As a man who was 5’8”, barely over 200 lbs, and wore his hair in an unflattering mullet with a porno mustache to compliment it, Eddie Guerrero’s face was never going to adorn lunch boxes and posters for America’s youth to scarf up. He didn’t have the transcendent appearance that was going to make promoters and matchmakers in America jump out of their chairs to shove a contract worth six figures into his face. The sad truth is that no matter how hard Guerrero worked in the ring, he wasn’t going to be the top star. In his efforts to get noticed, Guerrero worked a more dangerous style, similar to Benoit. The stuntman maneuvers and daredevil antics won over the fans who appreciate hard work, but there was still the mainstream to gain the confidence of.
Enter steroids. Guerrero juiced up his tiny frame to cartoon proportions, swelling up his arms and torso in an attempt to perhaps become the world’s shortest man to win Mr. Olympia. With this more television friendly appearance, Guerrero found the mutual exclusiveness that comes from swelling your body past its capacity and landing hard on a padded wooden canvas repeatedly. The joint damage begat his addiction to painkillers. Not being on the fast track to main event status only fed his depression, and that’s where alcohol was soothing to him. The endless cycle of anger, frustration, depression, and physical pain is incomprehensible to those of us who lead pedestrian, normal lives. But this was an encompassing reality for Guerrero.
I think of the Eddie Guerrero who finally made it to the top in 2004, winning WWE’s Heavyweight Championship with his mother and older brother in the front row. This was the same Guerrero who looked nothing like he did just five years before. His face was redder, his muscles more pronounced, his hair thinner, his voice raspier. I think of the Eddie Guerrero who didn’t miss any time inside the ring during his final three and a half year run in the company, putting his heart into each task he was given. I think of Eddie, the insane perfectionist that, three months before he died, had a freak-out inside the ring that I’ll never forget.
During a match with Rey Mysterio over custody of Rey’s son Dominick (don’t even ASK about the absurdity of this story arc), the script called for Vickie to run into the ring to prevent her now-evil husband from winning. However, somebody in production missed their cue and she was late. To compensate, Guerrero stalled and Mysterio had to save himself from the clutches of defeat. The whole thing looked incredibly awkward, especially for two performers of their caliber. But what I’ll always remember was Guerrero stomping and pounding the canvas in anger, breaking character as he screamed:
“WHERE THE F--- WAS VICKIE?!?!”
On a pay per view. With children watching in the arena and at home. Guerrero simply snapped just because something went wrong and their attempt to improvise only made things worse. To condemn Eddie for this moment is wrong, but it goes a long way in explaining how his mind worked. Very rarely do wrestlers breach etiquette by breaking character over a mistake, but Guerrero, oft regarded for his professionalism, did so in one of the most uncomfortable ways imaginable.
Four years later, WWE continues to fawn over the fallen star. They reserve that right, since he was someone that achieved his greatest career heights under their umbrella. He probably wouldn’t have made it there without taking on the things that would enlarge his heart and ultimately kill him, however. It’s uncomfortable to me as a fan to see them immortalize a man that is the prototype for how not to be a famous wrestler. The reverent tones in which his name is spoken by the company just reeks of track-covering. WWE enabled Guerrero to destroy his body, although it seemed to be a mutual decision.
To me, WWE isn’t endorsing Eddie Guerrero with these tributes. They’re assuring the world that even though Guerrero’s death was likely caused by years of negligent promoters who provided dangerously vigorous road schedules for him while his body, and social life, fell apart, as well as continued abuse of painkillers and steroids to keep him at a main event level, that they loved him. In tribute, if WWE can put up a front that they’re a caring organization, it may lessen the amount of scrutiny that goes into asking about how they may have played in a role in speeding up the man’s death. Since Eddie Guerrero never killed anyone, the amount of scrutiny isn’t terribly bad. So he gets tributes. But if he murders two people and then himself as a possible result of brain damage sustained from years of working that same road schedule, with the same level of heightened intensity, then it’s goodbye to Eddie’s legacy.
So my problem is not with Eddie Guerrero. Eddie is a pawn, put on top of a pedestal to deflect attention from the manner in which he lived and then died. Nobody has to know what a degenerate he was at many points in his life. They just have to know that he was an incredible person who loved his family, his friends, and his fans. If Vince McMahon and World Wrestling Entertainment can make you believe any of this, it’s more time spent loving the man and less time spent feeling weird about loving the empty shell that he turned into.
The ultimate tribute to Eddie Guerrero is a more simpler wellness policy. If you test positive once, you’re fired. Get out of this business and go to rehab. Do not come back until your body is completely detoxified of all foreign chemicals that could be a detriment to your life. Also, while you’re gone, get a complete physical, including analysis of your brain. Not only may you save yourself, but also the people who live in your house.
But this is all a pipe dream. Chris Benoit worked amongst this new fangled wellness policy in 2006 and 2007. He passed his final test in April of 2007, just two months before he silenced his household. The autopsy, shall we say, didn’t match WWE’s inquiring drug examination. It’s never going to change. If Eddie Guerrero’s pathetic death didn’t change the sensibilities of management when it comes to saving lives and promoting healthy lifestyles (as Benoit’s death evidences), what will? Violators come back from suspensions with the same level of sustained push that they had when they left. Steroids are still clearly being used, as many physiques that permeate the modern WWE are overinflated.
It’s all a joke. A sick, pathetic, running gag of a joke.
The biggest joke of all is that pretending that Eddie Guerrero was a better man than Chris Benoit, and that his life is worth far more than that of his friend. They’re the same person, largely interchangeable in many of their physical and mental qualities.
We could have had two tribute videos on October 2 that were dedicated to broken down, deficient basket cases that were jacked to the gills on steroids and were terrible burdens for the families to have to live with.
But because of murder, and fierce media scrutiny, we only had to sit through one.
Hooray.
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded columnist or author. He tweets at http://twitter.com/mindofjrhsports and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.
by Justin Henry
Generally, I don't watch a whole lot of Smackdown. If I do watch it to any considerable length, it's because there was something in the spoilers that caught my eye; whether it's a lengthy see-saw battle of a match, somebody returning or debuting that I have stock in, or for a moment that has potential to make the storyline that it's housed in suddenly become white hot. The reasons for conventionally skipping the Thursday/Friday night flagship show are many. Whether it was Michael Cole's forced commentary (not an issue now, but the stench remains), the annoying fake crowd noises, or the fact that WWE treats Smackdown like the whore sister of the brood in favor of the golden child known as Monday Night Raw (which makes ECW the bug-eyed mongoloid that's chained up in the cellar), Smackdown can be considered rather unappetizing. When I actually do catch the show, it’s pretty much on in the background while I write or talk to friends and loved ones over the phone.
On Friday night, October 2, 2009, WWE produced the special Tenth Anniversary edition of Smackdown (one month late of the anniversary, but let’s not split hairs). In true WWE fashion, the evening was ostended with many videos that highlighted some of the more memorable moments in the show’s decade-long history. I paid a little more attention to the show this time around due to the nature of the program. What a show it was, too. Comedy sketches backstage, solid in-ring action, an appearance by their greatest star in company history in The Rock, and, of course, the video packages that summarized what the show was all about.
One video package stood out from the rest.
One dedicated entirely to Eddie Guerrero.
Played to the tune of “Hear Me Now” by Boyce Avenue, Eddie was given a lavish tribute. It’s emblematic for WWE to create videos of fallen or departed stars, setting them to peaceful contempory rock music. Guerrero was no exception, as many of us still remember the two tribute packages he got on his memorial show, with both “Hurt” by Johnny Cash and “Here Without You” by 3 Doors Down punctuating the images. This was no different, as the familiar sights of him performing his graceful top rope offense, clowning around with his cunning trickery directed at opponents, celebrating his only World Championship reign, and spending time with his lovely wife Vickie, and children Shaul and Sherilyn, rounded out this remembrance. Also included was footage of the previously mentioned memorial show in 2005, where the entire roster assembled at the entrance way while the ring bell was tolled to mark his passing.
Missing from that portion of the tribute was Eddie Guerrero’s best friend and partner on the road, Chris Benoit. Now, it’s obvious why Benoit was excised from the video. If you don’t have the internet, nor access to the shark tanks that we call “cable news shows”, then let me briefly remind you that Benoit left this planet on a humid weekend in June of 2007, but not before ending the lives of his wife, Nancy, and his seven-year-old son, Daniel. After disposing of Nancy in violent fashion via excessive strangulation, followed by a somewhat more sedated suffocation for his pint-sized child, Benoit lingered about amongst the bodies for close to another 24 hours before texting his last words to some fellow wrestlers, and then hanging himself from a weight machine in his basement. Chris Benoit was 40 years old.
Once the world became aware of Benoit’s final acts of depravity, he vanished in another way. In addition to being dead, he was also dead to WWE and Vince McMahon, who removed 98% of him from company history. Except in rare cases, you will never find Benoit on any DVD releases that the company pumps out. His action figures and other miscellaneous merchandise were gone from store shelves, including his anthology DVD set, released in 2004. Vince McMahon would have to attach Benoit’s ashes to the fuselage of the Endeavor space shuttle in order to create more distance between the once-beloved murderer and his company.
Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit. Two men that, in death, receive very different treatments from their ex-employer. For Benoit, it’s excommunication in light of the dark cloud that his demise created. For Guerrero, it’s ascension to sainthood. In addition to the tribute videos, he was also inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame close to five months after his death (with Benoit providing a third of the induction testimonial, as his close friend and all), as well as a second commemorative DVD, released in 2008, featuring more classic matches, as well as glowing words from his living family, friends, and peers. His name was also entrenched in pointless storylines that lasted well over a year after his death, with no less than friends like Benoit and Rey Mysterio, peers such as Randy Orton and John Bradshaw Layfield, his nephew Chavo Guerrero, and wife Vickie name-dropping him to drag feuds along. No other performer in WWE’s half-century history had received such extensive praise and devotion in death as Guerrero, which is a mountain compared to the erasure of Benoit.
We probably shouldn’t be comparing the two, however. I mean, Benoit’s a murderer, right? He killed his wife and son before committing suicide, likely to avoid prosecution and public shame (well, at least having to live through it). The Chris Benoit that his fans remember was one of the hardest working, dedicated perfectionists that had ever been seen inside a ring. His execution of moves and holds were flawless. He could take the clunkiest muscle-head and make them look passable between the ropes. He would take direction well, losing to inferior opponents without sandbagging them out of spite. His dedication didn’t go unnoticed, as a very vocal portion of the wrestling audience lauded him for his life’s portfolio. Fans in Canada, Japan, Mexico, Europe, and the United States all got to see Benoit in person on numerous occasions, which bestowed global stardom onto him. But still, let’s not forget, he’s a murderer. In fact, it’s theorized that his work ethic was a big part of his descent. Doctors would discover in an autopsy that Chris Benoit’s brain was 85% damaged, the type of damage best attributed to advanced cases of Alzheimer’s. For a 40 year old man, that has to be unusual, if there was no explanation. It can, however, be explained when you watch Benoit’s body of work that spanned twenty-two years. When you consider all of the times that he landed on his head, took steel chairs to an uncovered face and forehead, and worked himself into oblivion for the sake of his art, it’s no shock that he was such a physical wreck. Compound this state of body with a mutated frame perpetrated by years of steroid abuse (used to provide a more impressive physique, to win consideration from his bosses for bigger roles), and the once lean and athletic Canadian had grown into a sloped, grotesque demon whose life purpose had been to damage his body and brain for the greater good of professional wrestling.
His mind state was also hindered. Generally quiet and paranoid as a rule, Benoit fell down the rungs of sanity when he lost three close friends in three months. In November 2005, it was Guerrero, his travel partner and best friend. In January 2006, it was Victor “Black Cat” Mar, a wrestler and talent liaison in Japan who was warmly regarded by everyone who knew him. Three weeks later, it would be Johnny Grunge, former tag team wrestler and Benoit’s neighbor in Georgia, who served as the Wilson to Benoit’s Tim “The Toolman” Taylor whenever Chris needed someone to confide his fears and problems. With his friendship circle diminishing, Benoit believed he was going to die very soon as well. In letters to his dead friend Eddie Guerrero, written in a personal journal, Benoit noted that he would be seeing his friend very soon.
So add it all up. When you mix brain damage, extreme perfectionism, psychotic paranoia, and chronic drug use, it’s no surprise that a man is dead just after his fortieth birthday. The double homicide can never be expected or justified, but it sounds just a little more feasible when you consider the wealth of evidence.
It’s no surprise either that WWE would wash their hands of Chris Benoit, right? I mean, this is a publicly traded company that markets to families and children. Just like Disney would never do another movie with Miley Cyrus if she killed someone, World Wrestling Entertainment would want nothing to do with a psychotic junkie murderer.
Why can’t he be more like Eddie Guerrero?
I say the previous sentence with a tinge of sarcasm, because one of my biggest flaws is that I read a lot. As a wrestling fan of twenty years, I’ve immersed myself in hordes of wrestling literature, TV specials, web sites, and the like that provide any kind of additional perspective on the medium of entertainment that I’ve fondly enjoyed. With this comes the unfortunate prospect of reading about the participants, these larger-than-life heroes, in a negative sense.
I’ve grown accustomed to accepting that just about everyone in the business is a scumbag in one sense or another. Well, actually, that’s rather harsh. But there’s a good chance that you can find one unlikeable flaw in every single wrestler or performer that you’ve seen on TV. Let’s look at my childhood heroes, and point at some accepted truths.
Bret Hart – Once generally considered to be a model citizen by fans worldwide, “The Hitman” has readily admitted to cheating on his ex-wife, Julie, on many occasions. In his autobiography, he painted vivid pictures of these affairs, able to describe the women in these one night stands with tremendous recollection, often years after the fact. Also, he’s been exposed as somewhat of a whiner who took the business way too seriously.
Shawn Michaels – Long before his kick with Jesus Christ, Michaels was a whining drug addict who used his influence to effectively bury the careers of his fellow performers. Living inside Vince McMahon’s ear, if you weren’t friends with the Heartbreak Kid, you were screwed.
Chris Benoit – This has been established.
“Macho Man” Randy Savage – The former pitchman for Slim Jims has been outed as being insanely paranoid, to the point where he would confront you with force should you ever be caught looking at his ex-wife, the lovely Miss Elizabeth. His incredible jealousy of former friend Hulk Hogan is legendary, to the point where he performed a rap theme, calling him out for a legit fight. He is not welcome back in WWE, allegedly due to an encounter he had with an underage Stephanie McMahon, which has never been fully proven or disputed.
This is just a core sample of the men that I would happy buy the merchandise of. While I can still enjoy their body of work, as well as harbor feelings of nostalgia, I really couldn’t fully endorse their lifestyles. When the persona is separate from the man, it becomes easier. Bret Hart the persona? Shawn Michaels the persona? Love em. Bret Hart the person? Shawn Michaels the person? Now it gets complicated.
The problem I have with the tribute video of Eddie Guerrero comes from having to separate the persona from the man. As a persona, he was a colorful character who brightened the segments that he appeared in, whether he was wrestling or participating in a backstage skit. Outside the ring, however, Eddie Guerrero led a very disturbing and very troubled life. Although WWE touches upon Eddie’s “demons”, and has done so in the confines of his storylines by hinting that he had to overcome these demons in order to succeed, they didn’t really tell the whole story of his issues.
Don’t believe me? For the uninitiated, Eddie Guerrero was more than just an alcoholic. He was also a regular steroid user, whose acne-riddled back, hoarse voice (in later years), and rippled muscles for a man who was 5’8” were a dead giveaway. In fact, after he supposedly ‘cleaned up’ in 2001 and 2002 from the booze, Guerrero apparently received a shipment of steroids in January 2005, which was not revealed until 2007 by Sports Illustrated. His alcohol abuse was just as prominent, requiring the help of Benoit (yes, the murderer) and fellow wrestler Dean Malenko to make it to his hotel room and to the shows on time. Guerrero was also overly emotional, especially at a time in his wrestling career where things were stalling out. With little upward mobility in WCW due to politics and inconsistent production, Guerrero was falling apart. With an increase in drinking and pain pill consumption, Guerrero was spiraling towards death at an alarming pace. In his own autobiography, he readily admits to smoking weed and taking pills without even asking what they were. It was all just an attempt to numb himself from reality.
All of this pales when compared to New Year’s Eve 1998, when Guerrero attempted to commit suicide. While messed up on GHB, he drove to a convenience store on a beer run. With his mind filled with thoughts of his unhappiness in WCW, his deteriorating marriage, and the emptiness in his soul, Guerrero sped toward home in his Trans-Am, but took a curve at 130 MPH and didn’t make it, going off the road, and crashing in a heap. He barely survived, but the injury toll was long: broken collarbone, compressed discs, broken right hip socket, shredded left calf, lacerated liver, and a seemingly endless amount of scrapes and cuts from broken glass and harsh earth after being thrown from the vehicle. How he survived is anyone’s guess. What’s scarier is that this suicide attempt took place with two little daughters at home. His attempt to escape life was with the intention, subconscious as it may have been, to leave the girls fatherless.
But this accident didn’t allow Eddie to change for the better. No, he returned to WCW less than six months later, wrestling in severe pain. After jumping to WWE six months after that, Guerrero took up the hefty road schedule that was once demanded of WWE superstars. Without letting his body heal fully, Guerrero was now working 200-300 nights a year on a hard canvas. Like Benoit, he was an ardent perfectionist inside the ring, and would be disappointed in himself if his performance was less than optimum. If his match was good, he would need pain pills and alcohol to wash away the agony that he was sure to feel. If his match was subpar, he would need those same substances to escape reality and hide from his own worst critic: himself. Without a stringent drug policy in place (WWE would later enact a trial drug testing policy, sadly, in the wake of Guerrero’s death), Guerrero’s indulgences continued to wreak havoc on his well-being.
In the spring of 2001, Guerrero hit a new low. His wife Vickie had to physically get him to the airport in order to fly out to a show, leaving him in a muddled and incoherent state in the terminal. Once at the arena, his friends tried to hide him from management. How badly messed up on drugs and booze do you have to be for a company that didn’t drug test to absolutely freak out at the sight of you? Guerrero, however, was discovered that day. He was sent home from the company, informed by Jim Ross (then the head of the talent relations department) that he could not return to WWE until he’d completed rehab. Guerrero didn’t fail a drug test by pissing in a cup, but rather he failed the one where they just look at you and say “FAIL”.
Vickie Guerrero had begun divorce proceedings, and kicked her husband out of the house. Several months into his rehab stay, Guerrero was arrested after an altercation at the gate of the complex he was staying in. With the story picked up nationally, this world famous wrestler arrested like a common criminal, Guerrero was immediately fired from World Wrestling Entertainment. Vickie was even more livid than ever, this giving her more reason to believe that she was doing the right thing in legally breaking away from Eddie Guerrero.
When you digest the previous five paragraphs, take a moment to juxtapose them with the video that aired Friday, painting Guerrero as a saintly being and family man on par with Gandhi and Mother Teresa.
Now, I’m not here to vilify Eddie Guerrero. He was one of my favorite performers and I have a lot of respect for him. The respect comes from the fact that after his arrest, he seemed driven toward righting all of his wrongs. Allegedly, he swore off alcohol forever. He went to the independent wrestling scene to rekindle his love of the sport. His hard work paid off, as WWE offered him a new contract in the spring of 2002, just months after his public humiliation. For the next three and a half years until the day he died, Guerrero rose to the status of main event wrestler, becoming the biggest star on the Smackdown brand by drawing a large minority audience who were elated to see a Hispanic man get such a huge push in a company where the main event scene was pre-dominantly white. His openness about his addictions and his apologetic demeanor earned him a lot of respect, and is probably what keeps him from being lambasted by the majority. Guerrero’s contrition, when compared to the likes of Scott Hall, Jake Roberts, and others who have drowned themselves in a sea of addiction and seem unapologetic about it, came off as genuine. There seemed to be no reason not to get behind Eddie Guerrero.
Until November 13, 2005.
I got the news during halftime of the one o’clock football games when I went online to check some e-mail. A quick trip to a wrestling news site allowed me to come face to face with the grim reality, as the top headline simply read “Eddie Guerrero passes away”. I immediately went numb, not comprehending what I was reading. Without clicking the link, I ventured to WWE.com, where the headline on the front page confirmed my fear.
Eddie Guerrero was dead at the age of 38.
Found on the floor of his hotel room bathroom by hotel security, as well as his nephew Chavo, Eddie Guerrero was apparently about to brush his teeth when his heart gave up. He left behind Vickie, who withdrew divorce proceedings and actually renewed vows with Eddie in 2003 to celebrate his turnaround. He also left behind Shaul and Sherilyn, his daughters, as well as a third daughter named Kaylie, born from another woman in 2002 during his separation from Vickie.
The images of I have of Guerrero as a master of his craft are a bit tainted. When I think of him now, I think of a man who sacrificed convention in order to succeed. As a man who was 5’8”, barely over 200 lbs, and wore his hair in an unflattering mullet with a porno mustache to compliment it, Eddie Guerrero’s face was never going to adorn lunch boxes and posters for America’s youth to scarf up. He didn’t have the transcendent appearance that was going to make promoters and matchmakers in America jump out of their chairs to shove a contract worth six figures into his face. The sad truth is that no matter how hard Guerrero worked in the ring, he wasn’t going to be the top star. In his efforts to get noticed, Guerrero worked a more dangerous style, similar to Benoit. The stuntman maneuvers and daredevil antics won over the fans who appreciate hard work, but there was still the mainstream to gain the confidence of.
Enter steroids. Guerrero juiced up his tiny frame to cartoon proportions, swelling up his arms and torso in an attempt to perhaps become the world’s shortest man to win Mr. Olympia. With this more television friendly appearance, Guerrero found the mutual exclusiveness that comes from swelling your body past its capacity and landing hard on a padded wooden canvas repeatedly. The joint damage begat his addiction to painkillers. Not being on the fast track to main event status only fed his depression, and that’s where alcohol was soothing to him. The endless cycle of anger, frustration, depression, and physical pain is incomprehensible to those of us who lead pedestrian, normal lives. But this was an encompassing reality for Guerrero.
I think of the Eddie Guerrero who finally made it to the top in 2004, winning WWE’s Heavyweight Championship with his mother and older brother in the front row. This was the same Guerrero who looked nothing like he did just five years before. His face was redder, his muscles more pronounced, his hair thinner, his voice raspier. I think of the Eddie Guerrero who didn’t miss any time inside the ring during his final three and a half year run in the company, putting his heart into each task he was given. I think of Eddie, the insane perfectionist that, three months before he died, had a freak-out inside the ring that I’ll never forget.
During a match with Rey Mysterio over custody of Rey’s son Dominick (don’t even ASK about the absurdity of this story arc), the script called for Vickie to run into the ring to prevent her now-evil husband from winning. However, somebody in production missed their cue and she was late. To compensate, Guerrero stalled and Mysterio had to save himself from the clutches of defeat. The whole thing looked incredibly awkward, especially for two performers of their caliber. But what I’ll always remember was Guerrero stomping and pounding the canvas in anger, breaking character as he screamed:
“WHERE THE F--- WAS VICKIE?!?!”
On a pay per view. With children watching in the arena and at home. Guerrero simply snapped just because something went wrong and their attempt to improvise only made things worse. To condemn Eddie for this moment is wrong, but it goes a long way in explaining how his mind worked. Very rarely do wrestlers breach etiquette by breaking character over a mistake, but Guerrero, oft regarded for his professionalism, did so in one of the most uncomfortable ways imaginable.
Four years later, WWE continues to fawn over the fallen star. They reserve that right, since he was someone that achieved his greatest career heights under their umbrella. He probably wouldn’t have made it there without taking on the things that would enlarge his heart and ultimately kill him, however. It’s uncomfortable to me as a fan to see them immortalize a man that is the prototype for how not to be a famous wrestler. The reverent tones in which his name is spoken by the company just reeks of track-covering. WWE enabled Guerrero to destroy his body, although it seemed to be a mutual decision.
To me, WWE isn’t endorsing Eddie Guerrero with these tributes. They’re assuring the world that even though Guerrero’s death was likely caused by years of negligent promoters who provided dangerously vigorous road schedules for him while his body, and social life, fell apart, as well as continued abuse of painkillers and steroids to keep him at a main event level, that they loved him. In tribute, if WWE can put up a front that they’re a caring organization, it may lessen the amount of scrutiny that goes into asking about how they may have played in a role in speeding up the man’s death. Since Eddie Guerrero never killed anyone, the amount of scrutiny isn’t terribly bad. So he gets tributes. But if he murders two people and then himself as a possible result of brain damage sustained from years of working that same road schedule, with the same level of heightened intensity, then it’s goodbye to Eddie’s legacy.
So my problem is not with Eddie Guerrero. Eddie is a pawn, put on top of a pedestal to deflect attention from the manner in which he lived and then died. Nobody has to know what a degenerate he was at many points in his life. They just have to know that he was an incredible person who loved his family, his friends, and his fans. If Vince McMahon and World Wrestling Entertainment can make you believe any of this, it’s more time spent loving the man and less time spent feeling weird about loving the empty shell that he turned into.
The ultimate tribute to Eddie Guerrero is a more simpler wellness policy. If you test positive once, you’re fired. Get out of this business and go to rehab. Do not come back until your body is completely detoxified of all foreign chemicals that could be a detriment to your life. Also, while you’re gone, get a complete physical, including analysis of your brain. Not only may you save yourself, but also the people who live in your house.
But this is all a pipe dream. Chris Benoit worked amongst this new fangled wellness policy in 2006 and 2007. He passed his final test in April of 2007, just two months before he silenced his household. The autopsy, shall we say, didn’t match WWE’s inquiring drug examination. It’s never going to change. If Eddie Guerrero’s pathetic death didn’t change the sensibilities of management when it comes to saving lives and promoting healthy lifestyles (as Benoit’s death evidences), what will? Violators come back from suspensions with the same level of sustained push that they had when they left. Steroids are still clearly being used, as many physiques that permeate the modern WWE are overinflated.
It’s all a joke. A sick, pathetic, running gag of a joke.
The biggest joke of all is that pretending that Eddie Guerrero was a better man than Chris Benoit, and that his life is worth far more than that of his friend. They’re the same person, largely interchangeable in many of their physical and mental qualities.
We could have had two tribute videos on October 2 that were dedicated to broken down, deficient basket cases that were jacked to the gills on steroids and were terrible burdens for the families to have to live with.
But because of murder, and fierce media scrutiny, we only had to sit through one.
Hooray.
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded columnist or author. He tweets at http://twitter.com/mindofjrhsports and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Football: WEEK 4 2009 PICKS
WEEK 4 2009 NFL PICKS
by Justin Henry
With the Eagles off, there's really only one choice for quality entertainment. That is, of course, the Jets-Saints showdown. I say this because I'm not getting Gus Johnson's game (Oakland/Houston) so I guess I'm forced to settle for two 3-0 clubs swinging their dukes.
Speaking of swinging dukes, did you know there's more to winning a UFC fight than just punching? Kimbo Slice didn't! Good luck on the fringe circuit, Mr. Slice.
This week's theme: Pulp Fiction. It's been fifteen years since Quentin Tarantino released his magnum opus, and what better way to honor the occasion by drawing parallels to early October football games?
So let's kick it off
LAST WEEK: 12-4
Detroit at Chicago
"Whether or not what we experienced was an According to Hoyle miracle is insignificant. What is significant is that I felt the touch of God. God got involved." - Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson)
O Lord, the Lions have risen! Unfortunately, they have to walk across the water of Lake Michigan and into a firing Jay Cutler. Hope they enjoyed the taste of victory while it lasted.
MY PICK: Chicago 27, Detroit 13
Cincinnati at Cleveland
"All right, everybody be cool, this is a robbery!" - Pumpkin (Tim Roth)
How else do you characterize Eric Mangini fining a player $1700 for a $3 bottle of water? I hope somebody gets tackled into that fat miser. Do I sound bitter?
MY PICK: Cincinnati 30, Cleveland 7
Oakland at Houston
“If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.” – Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson)
I wish I could use this one for Carolina regarding the non-stop train of Delhomme-suck, but it applies just as well for the continuation of JaMarcus Russell as the signal caller. As long as Slaton can poke holes into the D, Schaub should be able to do the rest.
MY PICK: Houston 24, Oakland 7
Seattle at Indianapolis
"Now, you've got a corpse in a car, minus a head, in a garage. Take me to it.” – Winston Wolf (Harvey Keitel)
Peyton Manning truly is the Wolf of the NFL, who can calmly solve any problem you set in front of him. Seattle’s got a young, cagey defense? Yawn.
MY PICK: Indianapolis 31, Seattle 14
Tennessee at Jacksonville
“Dorks. They look like a couple of dorks.” – Jimmie (Quentin Tarantino)
Remember when Tennessee was the gun-running, offense-killing machine? Remember when Jacksonville was the good team that nobody considered? Well, they’re both in the crapper. And somebody’s gotta win.
MY PICK: Tennessee 17, Jacksonville 14
New York Giants at Kansas City
“If I'm curt with you it's because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast and I need you guys to act fast if you wanna get out of this. So, pretty please... with sugar on top.” – Winston Wolf (Harvey Keitel)
The Giants are still the Giants. Other than being down their star receiver from a year ago, they’re the same machine who wins tough games and crushes the teams that they’re supposed to crush. Regaining Umenyiora helps the defense that was great even without him last season. That beating the Eagles put on Kansas City? Here comes the sequel.
MY PICK: New York 38, Kansas City 10
Baltimore at New England
“So what does it feel like to kill a man with your bare hands? It's a topic I'm very interested in.” – Esmerelda (Angela Jones)
Not the best quote when pertaining to Ray Lewis, but the point is there. Baltimore’s defense has been a force since I was in junior high (ten years? WOW!), but Tom Brady knows them. With New England’s struggle to get back to normalcy, I say they pull out all the stops and eke one out at home.
MY PICK: New England 27, Baltimore 24
Tampa Bay at Washington
“Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead.” – Butch Coolidge (Bruce Willis)
Zed is Jim Zorn in this instance. Zorn was so animated on the sidelines, getting up in arms over every fumble, bumble, bungle, and act of ineptitude that his Redskins committed, one has to wonder he’s why so surprised. He’s the one who thinks Jason Campbell’s a good leader. But as bad as “Zed” is, the opposition? They’re actually WORSE! Zorn doesn’t have a job at the end of the year. I think Raheem Morris gets a pink slip too.
MY PICK: Washington 20, Tampa Bay 7
Buffalo at Miami
“We're lucky we got anything at all. I don't think Buddy Holly's much of a waiter.” – Vincent Vega (John Travolta)
Miami’s down Chad Pennington for the season, and it’s up to Tony Sparano to decide between Henne and Thigpen to try and topple Buffalo’s overrated defense. Answer: let Ronnie Brown work the magic he had last season. I doubt Buffalo can stop it.
MY PICK: Miami 21, Buffalo 13
New York Jets at New Orleans
"That's thirty minutes away. I'll be there in ten." - Winston Wolf (Harvey Keitel)
Two teams who are reliable in the impossible: the unbreakable offense at home against the claustrophobia-inducing defense. It's a veritable pick em, but I'm going with defense. Rex Ryan will make the clock work for him, making the Saints score quickly, just so their tired defense has to get back out on the field and take more damage from Sanchez and the one-two run game. It'll be more than a touchdown, mark my words.
MY PICK: New York 28, New Orleans 17
Dallas at Denver
“That's how you're gonna beat 'em, Butch. They keep underestimating you.” – Butch Coolidge (Bruce Willis)
Upset time! Denver coach Josh McDaniels is still viewed as a dumb kid who’s only 3-0 on luck. But I think he proves the world wrong yet again when he runs all over a shaky defense. Besides, he can let Brian Dawkins read Dallas’ offense. He’s done it before.
MY PICK: Denver 20, Dallas 17
St. Louis at San Francisco
You know, walk the earth, meet people... get into adventures. Like Caine from "Kung Fu." – Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson)
It fits Coach Singletary, since he’s Samurai Mike and all. The Rams may need to walk the earth themselves to shake off the beating coming from a team that lost at the last second to Minnesota. Revenge games are fun.
MY PICK: San Francisco 20, St. Louis 3
San Diego at Pittsburgh
I do believe Marsellus Wallace, my husband, your boss, told you to take ME out and do WHATEVER I WANTED. Now I wanna dance, I wanna win. I want that trophy, so dance good. - Mia Wallace (Uma Thurman)
Pittsburgh's got high expectations after winning the Super Bowl, but they're sputtering out. The injury to Polamalu has revealed some glaring issues with the D, especially one that couldn't compensate for offensive woes. I think they take this one, though, because Tomlin's got to be putting the screws to them. 1-3 after a title run is never promising. So they step it up, even against Philip Rivers' hot hand.
MY PICK: Pittsburgh 21, San Diego 20
Green Bay at Minnesota
“Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go home and have a heart attack.” – Vincent Vega (John Travolta)
Packer Country has waited for this day. It’s not the home game, which I’m sure will be nuclear, but the news of lyin’ Favre signing with the arch nemesis after three or four fibs is enough to drive any Green Bay fan up his cheese wheel. Minnesota gets their first loss when some of Favre’s old defenders decide to work out some revenge fantasies on the man who just won’t die.
MY PICK: Green Bay 23, Minnesota 20
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded columnist or author. He tweets at http://twitter.com/mindofjrhsports and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.
by Justin Henry
With the Eagles off, there's really only one choice for quality entertainment. That is, of course, the Jets-Saints showdown. I say this because I'm not getting Gus Johnson's game (Oakland/Houston) so I guess I'm forced to settle for two 3-0 clubs swinging their dukes.
Speaking of swinging dukes, did you know there's more to winning a UFC fight than just punching? Kimbo Slice didn't! Good luck on the fringe circuit, Mr. Slice.
This week's theme: Pulp Fiction. It's been fifteen years since Quentin Tarantino released his magnum opus, and what better way to honor the occasion by drawing parallels to early October football games?
So let's kick it off
LAST WEEK: 12-4
Detroit at Chicago
"Whether or not what we experienced was an According to Hoyle miracle is insignificant. What is significant is that I felt the touch of God. God got involved." - Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson)
O Lord, the Lions have risen! Unfortunately, they have to walk across the water of Lake Michigan and into a firing Jay Cutler. Hope they enjoyed the taste of victory while it lasted.
MY PICK: Chicago 27, Detroit 13
Cincinnati at Cleveland
"All right, everybody be cool, this is a robbery!" - Pumpkin (Tim Roth)
How else do you characterize Eric Mangini fining a player $1700 for a $3 bottle of water? I hope somebody gets tackled into that fat miser. Do I sound bitter?
MY PICK: Cincinnati 30, Cleveland 7
Oakland at Houston
“If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.” – Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson)
I wish I could use this one for Carolina regarding the non-stop train of Delhomme-suck, but it applies just as well for the continuation of JaMarcus Russell as the signal caller. As long as Slaton can poke holes into the D, Schaub should be able to do the rest.
MY PICK: Houston 24, Oakland 7
Seattle at Indianapolis
"Now, you've got a corpse in a car, minus a head, in a garage. Take me to it.” – Winston Wolf (Harvey Keitel)
Peyton Manning truly is the Wolf of the NFL, who can calmly solve any problem you set in front of him. Seattle’s got a young, cagey defense? Yawn.
MY PICK: Indianapolis 31, Seattle 14
Tennessee at Jacksonville
“Dorks. They look like a couple of dorks.” – Jimmie (Quentin Tarantino)
Remember when Tennessee was the gun-running, offense-killing machine? Remember when Jacksonville was the good team that nobody considered? Well, they’re both in the crapper. And somebody’s gotta win.
MY PICK: Tennessee 17, Jacksonville 14
New York Giants at Kansas City
“If I'm curt with you it's because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast and I need you guys to act fast if you wanna get out of this. So, pretty please... with sugar on top.” – Winston Wolf (Harvey Keitel)
The Giants are still the Giants. Other than being down their star receiver from a year ago, they’re the same machine who wins tough games and crushes the teams that they’re supposed to crush. Regaining Umenyiora helps the defense that was great even without him last season. That beating the Eagles put on Kansas City? Here comes the sequel.
MY PICK: New York 38, Kansas City 10
Baltimore at New England
“So what does it feel like to kill a man with your bare hands? It's a topic I'm very interested in.” – Esmerelda (Angela Jones)
Not the best quote when pertaining to Ray Lewis, but the point is there. Baltimore’s defense has been a force since I was in junior high (ten years? WOW!), but Tom Brady knows them. With New England’s struggle to get back to normalcy, I say they pull out all the stops and eke one out at home.
MY PICK: New England 27, Baltimore 24
Tampa Bay at Washington
“Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead.” – Butch Coolidge (Bruce Willis)
Zed is Jim Zorn in this instance. Zorn was so animated on the sidelines, getting up in arms over every fumble, bumble, bungle, and act of ineptitude that his Redskins committed, one has to wonder he’s why so surprised. He’s the one who thinks Jason Campbell’s a good leader. But as bad as “Zed” is, the opposition? They’re actually WORSE! Zorn doesn’t have a job at the end of the year. I think Raheem Morris gets a pink slip too.
MY PICK: Washington 20, Tampa Bay 7
Buffalo at Miami
“We're lucky we got anything at all. I don't think Buddy Holly's much of a waiter.” – Vincent Vega (John Travolta)
Miami’s down Chad Pennington for the season, and it’s up to Tony Sparano to decide between Henne and Thigpen to try and topple Buffalo’s overrated defense. Answer: let Ronnie Brown work the magic he had last season. I doubt Buffalo can stop it.
MY PICK: Miami 21, Buffalo 13
New York Jets at New Orleans
"That's thirty minutes away. I'll be there in ten." - Winston Wolf (Harvey Keitel)
Two teams who are reliable in the impossible: the unbreakable offense at home against the claustrophobia-inducing defense. It's a veritable pick em, but I'm going with defense. Rex Ryan will make the clock work for him, making the Saints score quickly, just so their tired defense has to get back out on the field and take more damage from Sanchez and the one-two run game. It'll be more than a touchdown, mark my words.
MY PICK: New York 28, New Orleans 17
Dallas at Denver
“That's how you're gonna beat 'em, Butch. They keep underestimating you.” – Butch Coolidge (Bruce Willis)
Upset time! Denver coach Josh McDaniels is still viewed as a dumb kid who’s only 3-0 on luck. But I think he proves the world wrong yet again when he runs all over a shaky defense. Besides, he can let Brian Dawkins read Dallas’ offense. He’s done it before.
MY PICK: Denver 20, Dallas 17
St. Louis at San Francisco
You know, walk the earth, meet people... get into adventures. Like Caine from "Kung Fu." – Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson)
It fits Coach Singletary, since he’s Samurai Mike and all. The Rams may need to walk the earth themselves to shake off the beating coming from a team that lost at the last second to Minnesota. Revenge games are fun.
MY PICK: San Francisco 20, St. Louis 3
San Diego at Pittsburgh
I do believe Marsellus Wallace, my husband, your boss, told you to take ME out and do WHATEVER I WANTED. Now I wanna dance, I wanna win. I want that trophy, so dance good. - Mia Wallace (Uma Thurman)
Pittsburgh's got high expectations after winning the Super Bowl, but they're sputtering out. The injury to Polamalu has revealed some glaring issues with the D, especially one that couldn't compensate for offensive woes. I think they take this one, though, because Tomlin's got to be putting the screws to them. 1-3 after a title run is never promising. So they step it up, even against Philip Rivers' hot hand.
MY PICK: Pittsburgh 21, San Diego 20
Green Bay at Minnesota
“Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go home and have a heart attack.” – Vincent Vega (John Travolta)
Packer Country has waited for this day. It’s not the home game, which I’m sure will be nuclear, but the news of lyin’ Favre signing with the arch nemesis after three or four fibs is enough to drive any Green Bay fan up his cheese wheel. Minnesota gets their first loss when some of Favre’s old defenders decide to work out some revenge fantasies on the man who just won’t die.
MY PICK: Green Bay 23, Minnesota 20
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded columnist or author. He tweets at http://twitter.com/mindofjrhsports and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.
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