Football: LET'S BUILD A RIVALRY!

LET’S BUILD A RIVALRY!
By Justin Henry

For those of you who’ve never been to a school dance in your youth, well then you missed out. You’d have to be a complete loser to not be able to get a slow dance with the prettiest girls in your class. That’s really what the dances were for: determining the hierarchy of the male food chain in your grade. The top tier was the guys who the girls would go up to THEM and ask for a dance. I was never so lucky, but I was happy to find myself in the tier numero dos: the guys who could ask basically any girl and get the dance. It was mostly because I wasn’t a COMPLETE spazzola, but also partially because I was considered a friendly hanger-on to the primary social circle, if not a full-fledged member. This put me above the Goths and nerds, who went to these things out of some self-loathing exercise, sat in the corner with their other pale friends, and talked about whatever was cool in 1996 (Doom, Fear Factory, Sliders, and such).

There was one others group that would inevitably make an appearance at these functions. Though this group would be small, they seemed to make the most indelible mark on our memories: the unwanted. The unwanted kids would be those ones that, when you grabbed a Pepsi and sauntered into the hallway to catch a breath of fresh air, would be seated in a chair in the hallway, bawling and crying loudly over getting rejected or embarrassed in front of the student body. You know the ones. They always had some kind of defect, whether it was that flat, mop top of a rug on their head or they were more acne-riddled than Jason Giambi’s back. Whatever the reason, at the dance, they would shoot for the stars and fall considerably short, hence the river of tears that they’re spilling in the hallway.

There’d always be one teacher or parent there chaperoning the dance that would be in the hallway, comforting them. Generally, it wasn’t one of the cooler teachers or parents, but rather a fellow geek who could sympathize with their plight. After all, teenage geeks have to grow up and become adult geeks, right? So there’s the senior dork, trying to put a smile on the face of the hopeless cause, assuring him that things will get better for him socially (when, generally, said adult is walking proof that that’s not ALWAYS the case).

What’s funny is that there’s an NFL equivalent to this.

What, you thought this was going to be an essay about the angst of American youth?

You poor sucker.

There are 32 teams in the National Football League. It goes without saying that some teams have more storied histories than others. Teams like Pittsburgh, Green Bay, Oakland, Dallas, and others, have their own images, built on years of success and glory, as well as generational devotion from their fan bases, a cradle-to-the-grave loyalty that manifests through eras. Even a team like Oakland, who has been shunted down being, basically, a parody of a football team, still has their cult following in the form of demented Halloween enthusiasts. But you know what? It’s still a hell of a lot more than some teams can claim to have. Some teams, like New England and Dallas, will always find themselves in marquee match-ups week after week, with national TV coverage and the perceived ‘A-teams’ on commentary. In fact, to my way of thinking, there are only two teams in the entire league that get shunned on a consistent basis.

I’m talking about the Jacksonville Jaguars and the Houston Texans.

The other thirty teams can all claim some serious degree of fame. They’ve won Super Bowls. They’ve won NFL/AFL championships. They have die-hard fan bases that are hated by the fan bases of their rivals. They have dozens of players in the Hall of Fame. Many of them find themselves as “gets” for ESPN, due to their propensity for creating headlines, both positive and negative. They have rivals that they look forward to battling every year, with the dates circled on the calendars of their devoted followers.

Jacksonville has been in the league since 1995. Outside of a couple appearances in the AFC Championship, they have no identity. At least their doppelganger that entered the NFL in the same year, the Carolina Panthers, has been to the big dance (and nearly won it). This isn’t to say that Jacksonville is a bad team. It’s just you never hear about them. Besides, why does the city of Jacksonville have a team when Los Angeles has none? Jacksonville? Really? It seems like they edged out Helena, Montana for the franchise bid.

Houston came to the NFL in 2002, and this was a trickier sell. A lot of Houston fans still remain loyal to the Tennessee Titans, who were the Houston Oilers once upon a time. The Oilers moved to Music City back when the big Presidential scandal du jour was a stained dress and a fat intern. Though the team was gone, memories of Warren Moon, Bruce Matthews, Earl Campbell, and Billy “White Shoes” Johnson remained. The current Houston team has a tremendous offense, and is no doubt picking up some steam, but having yet to make the playoffs is one of many factors that keeps these “Oilers Lite” from being considered a “get”.

Jacksonville and Houston are those two kids out in the hallway during the dance, bemoaning their lack of popularity. While Oakland and Cincinnati drink contraband beer in the boys room, they sniffle. Everyone else has their spot in the sun, except for them. In this situation, it would be Don Criqui and Bill Macatee, CBS’s lower tier announcers, playing chaperone. Fans of both teams are surely familiar with the voices of these two men, since the network would rarely waste Jim Nantz’s splendid Southern drawl on the black sheep of popularity.

It just so happens that Jacksonville and Houston are division rivals. They find themselves pinned down the popularity depth chart, below Tennessee (loved in Nashville AND Houston) and Indianapolis (loved by Indiana and front runners nationwide). As division rivals, they play each other twice a season (three should both make it to the post-season, but let’s not get excited here). This is a good foundation to build a rivalry on, as you’re guaranteed match-ups every season.

But how to build that rivalry? How do you build something into that media “get”, to where ESPN will actually ignore the story of Tim Tebow and Brett Favre getting caught injecting each other with needles marked “pretentious”?

What you need is a detailed plan. It just so happens that I have one.

STEP ONE: THE CONTROVERSIAL FINISH
Who doesn’t love controversy? From Kanye West ruining Taylor Swift’s moment, to Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell exchanging words, America is to controversy what Dan Dierdorf is to doling out criticism. We just can’t get enough of it.

On September 27, Jacksonville went into Houston and came out alive with a hard fought win, 31-24. Do I even have to tell you that Bill Macatee did that game? As great a game as it was, featuring perennial fantasy favorites like Maurice Jones-Drew and Andre Johnson, it still didn’t get the national attention it COULD have had. On December 6, they have their rematch in Jacksonville, and this is where controversy should take center stage.

For this to work at its best, it’s hoped that both teams will be in playoff contention at this point. It’ll be more helpful if there’s a chance that the loser of this game is knocked out of a chance to qualify. So what we need here is for the game to come down to the wire, with the officials blowing a call. Doesn’t matter what it is, just blow a call. Maybe an Andre Johnson touchdown could have been nullified by the fact that he only had one foot in bounds. Maybe Matt Schaub didn’t really fumble, but the officials say he did, and there’s no replay. Maybe Maurice Jones-Drew tears his ACL on an illegal late hit by Dunta Robinson, costing Jacksonville their biggest playmaker. Whatever the case, the fan base of one team must go online after the game and unleash a stream of pissing and moaning so thunderous, that it makes the Seahawks fans who complained about Super Bowl 40 look timid.

These fans have to make sure that their hatred is directed toward ESPN First Take, so that Jay Crawford and Dana Jacobson can make this a hot issue through the show. Then the Around the Horn crew will weigh in, followed by Pardon the Interruption, with Tony Kornheiser pretending he at least watched the highlights. Poll questions will be formulated. Opinions will be made.

What was the right call in that game?

STEP TWO: THE CHEAP SHOT
2010 will begin with the loser of the 12/6/09 game looking for revenge. They revamped their roster in the off-season, no doubt trying to kill the pain of the lousy way in which 2009 had ended for them. Let’s say that the Jaguars, indeed, lost that game on the controversial play in question. The first meeting HAS to be in Houston. Whoever loses, they have to play the winner in their stadium. Because hey, what’s revenge good for if not to get their entire stadium to scream bloody murder?

So the Jaguars will roll into Houston, looking to go Keyser Soze on the Texans. It’s going to happen, too, when Derrick Harvey runs over Matt Schaub after the whistle blows, separating his shoulder. Mid field skirmish, thousands of angry Texans fans, and endless debate on the talking heads shows over whether or not Harvey should be fined, suspended, or castrated. I mean, had it been Brett Favre or Tom Brady that was crunched into the surface, Peter King would be rounding up the lynch mob.

But still, people will be talking. Was the hit by Harvey a revenge act for Jacksonville’s ill-fated finish last season? Was it just an accident; an aggressive player unable to stop himself in time?

It’s that debate that will lead to the next act.

STEP THREE: THE CLASSIC

They will meet again later that season. The Texans, having been helmed by Rex Grossman while Schaub re-cooperated, fell apart. Playoffs are not an issue, though they never really have been. Jacksonville got a momentum bounce from the Schaub hit. But Schaub’s back, returning this week for this game. You’d better believe that the storyline would be emphasized all week long. With Jacksonville fighting for a playoff spot, they NEED to beat the seething Texans, who are all too happy to try and play spoiler for…

….wait for it….

….their hated rival!

What’s that? CBS is having Kevin Harlan and Solomon Wilcotts do the game? You don’t say!

If the pieces fall into place, this game will be a high scoring barnburner. A few fights, some questionable calls, and big plays from the playmakers. Schaub will play valiantly, keeping his team alive with the idea that their failed playoff campaign can be redeemed by keeping Jacksonville from making it as well.

It doesn’t even matter how it ends. If Jacksonville wins, the dirty villains didn’t get their comeuppance. They live on so that fans of other teams can hate them also, praying their favorite squad will be the ones that level them. If Houston wins, the Jacksonville fans will be angry again this off season, looking forward to their next meeting with the parasite that has kept them from attaining high success.

So it continues. In 2011, both teams will bolster their rosters in an arms race, trying to improve upon the mistakes made against each other in 2010. Their meetings will be viewed by their fans with both anticipation (I can’t wait to crush them!) and fear (God, I hope we don’t lose to them!). Finally, the Jaguars and the Texans will have relevance. CBS will actually promote them. ESPN will finally hype up their stars. Their fans become the new Capulets and Montagues, sniping both verbally and, perhaps tragically, physically with each other.

It’s time to create this rivalry. Doing so will open the doors for Jacksonville and Houston.

Just like every other team, they finally get to dance.

When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded columnist or author. He tweets at http://twitter.com/mindofjrhsports and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.