Football: WEEK 7 NFL PICKS

WEEK 7 NFL PICKS
by Justin Henry

8-6 the week before? Paradise compared to 7-7 last week. Parity's beginning to set in. Injuries are taking their toll. Surprises are happening at an alarming pace. Desperation reeks. Death is in the air. The coldness of autumn will soon give way to the bleak--er, maybe I'm being too dramatic. But I cannot tolerate .500 in my picks, even though two or three of you read them! This week, only thirteen games on the docket, so I either succeed or fail. No purgatory! Errr, sorry for the dramatics again.

This week's theme: Braveheart. If I'm going to be dramatic, let's let William Wallace, brilliantly portrayed by modern self-parody Mel Gibson, take us through October's end.

LAST WEEK: 7-7

Minnesota at Pittsburgh
"Every man dies, not every man really lives." - William Wallace (Mel Gibson)
I still have a hard time dealing with the media acting as if Brett Favre is the cure for all of Minnesota's ails, when it's a complete defense, young receivers, and Adrian Peterson's iron will that have made the Vikings a dominant force. Let's see how goeth the team should that o-line sustain a serious injury or two. The old Brett Favre, the one who flutters passes rather than take a sack, would be instantly recognizable. I think we'll see Dick Lebeau's army chew their way to Favre, make him make his classic mistakes, and end any flirtation the Vikes have with perfection. This will be the model for all Minnesota opponents the rest of the way to follow.
MY PICK: Pittsburgh 20, Minnesota 14

San Francisco at Houston
"We all end up dead, it's just a question of how and why." - William Wallace (Mel Gibson)
Ah, one of my new pleasures: watching Houston come up with fresh and interesting ways to destroy a good defense. Cincinnati was becoming a story of the year, but then Matt Schaub used Owen Daniels as quite the handy murder weapon on them. It's an offense with too many tools of destruction. If Mike Singletary couldn't get his defense ready for the Matt Ryan onslaught, this might be even worse. Michael Tuner ran them over, and Steve Slaton is, as they'd say in NBA Jam, "heating up".
MY PICK: Houston 27, San Francisco 17

San Diego at Kansas City
"You don't speak Latin? Well that's something we shall have to remedy, isn't it?" - Argyle Wallace (Brian Cox)
Tell you this, I'm digging Todd Haley. The Chiefs are a group of average, if not outright lousy, players, and yet he nearly willed them to beat Dallas, following up with a confident victory over the sorry Redskins. Haley seems eager to beat the game and do the difficult and the impossible, and I love his spirit. San Diego may be looking past them, and why wouldn't they? Exactly. It's the Chiefs. But the counterpoint is just the same: it's the Chiefs. Don't call it an upset, call it a dose of a future reality. Todd Haley will one day field a contender in the Show Me State, but for now, he'll just create fits for some good teams. Starting with the Chargers.
MY PICK: Kansas City 20, San Diego 17

Green Bay at Cleveland
"Before we let you leave, your commander must cross that field, present himself before this army, put his head between his legs, and kiss his own arse." - William Wallace (Mel Gibson)
I like the Browns for 2010, but at the moment, they're an addled army led by an incompetent miser in Eric Mangini. I think many Browns fans would love to see the 'Man-Genius' humiliated (as well as Jets and Patriots fans, who could never get sick of such a thing). I'd start Aaron Rodgers in fantasy, but he'll be sitting by halfway through the third quarter. Pucker up, Eric.
MY PICK: Green Bay 34, Cleveland 7

Indianapolis at St. Louis
"Some men are longer than others." - Hamish (Brendan Gleeson)
Do I need a long paragraph here? Or can I just say "Robo-Peyton vs. eleven plastic army men" and we can let that tell the story? Yeah, thought so.
MY PICK: Indianapolis 38, St. Louis 3

New England at Tampa Bay
"At last, you know what it means to hate. Now you're ready to be a king." - Robert's Father (Ian Bannen)
Tom Brady on Sunday, boy, was he ever malicious. Tennessee was like a kid in a wheelchair who accidentally drove his motorized cart over Brady's shoelace. Brady got about twenty months worth of frustration ventilated on a weak, deficient defense. Feels probably as good as conceiving genetically perfect children with Gisele I assume. It was a thrill kill, and I doubt Brady's anywhere close to done. What's a little stat padding against Tennessee when you can do the same thing with the anemic Buccaneers? If you like sequels, tune in Sunday. On the bright side, the Bucs get to see how much their owner is hated in London. Chip chip cheerio!
MY PICK: New England 47, Tampa Bay 10

Buffalo at Carolina
"I'm dying. Let me be." - Campbell (James Cosmo)
Unlikely win over the Jets aside, the clock's ticking for Dick Jauron, especially with his "best" quarterback in Trent Edwards getting his brain splattered. Who was the last great Harvard player in the NFL? Yeah, I don't know either, but Ryan Fitzpatrick is certainly not 'great'. Carolina's got a little momentum going, and it'll carry over at home when they beat a fellow bad team. Suddenly, John Fox may not have to print those resumes out. At least, not yet.
MY PICK: Carolina 17, Buffalo 10

New York Jets at Oakland
"I know you can fight. But it's our wits that make us men." - Malcolm Wallace (Sean Lawlor)
The Jets' killer defense is looking like a one trick pony, but it's not their fault. Any great defense is thrown into the fire when the suddenly-mortal sensation quarterback (in this case, Mark Sanchez) keeps turning the ball over. Sooner or later, the unbreakable will break. Three straight losses will lead to some personel switches from Coachasaurus Rex, and Oakland's feel good win last week over Philadelphia will become a distant memory.
MY PICK: New York 24, Oakland 10

Atlanta at Dallas
"Who is this person who speaks to me as though I needed his advice?" - Longshanks (Patrick McGoohan)
Dallas is coming off of a bye, but hey, so was Chicago when Atlanta edged them out. I've still yet to see Tony Romo take play-calling from Wade Phillips, which raises an interesting thought. Would Jerry Jones fire Phillips and promote Jason Garrett, even though Wade's the perfect patsy and Garrett would probably see through any of Jerry Jones' scheming? Romo and Garrett communicate without the tubby middleman seemingly well enough. It'll be their loss if Garrett goes to be a head coach elsewhere. As for this game, the Cowboys defense hasn't been at its best this season, mostly due to injuries, and Atlanta's got too complete an offense to let them establish control. If you make the 49ers look dumb, and then hold off a rested Chicago, wouldn't you go with the Falcons?
MY PICK: Atlanta 24, Dallas 17

Chicago at Cincinnati
"And the common man, who bleeds on the battlefield, does he risk less?" - William Wallace (Mel Gibson)
One of the best human interest stories this year is Cedric Benson. The Bears lost faith in him, though they had good reason, and his name was tainted. When you're tainted, what do you do? Duh, you go to the Bengals! Problem: Carson Palmer is healthy, there are receivers to compliment Chad, and the defense is showing signs of life for the first time since Clinton was blowing into a sax on Arsenio Hall. To beat the band, Cedric Benson seems to have his life in order and he's a machine once again. Forget that loss to Houston last week, this Bengals team is for real. The Bears may be stinging after last week, but the sting continues.
MY PICK: Cincinnati 24, Chicago 20

New Orleans at Miami
"....they may take our lives, but they'll never take... OUR FREEDOM!" - William Wallace (Mel Gibson)
The Saints are intimidating, but good luck trying to get the Dolphins to run a traditional offense. After New Orleans had their way with Eli Manning last week, it's going to be a daunting task trying to knock them off. But you know, the NFL is quite unpredictable, isn't it? That's why I'm taking the serious underdog here. Miami's best chance at winning lies in organized confusion, and I think Ronnie Brown carves his path through a good-but-not-great Saints D. Wildcat will be the order of the day, and Dolphins steal it in a shootout.
MY PICK: Miami 31, New Orleans 28

Arizona at New York Giants
"I'm not a coward." - Robert the Bruce (Angus Macfadyen)
Eli Manning is actually quite the irritable punk, shoving Ahmad Bradshaw from behind during a miscommunication that led to an INT against the Saints. Hit him face to face if you're a real leader. That said, I think Eli and company go "Tom Brady" on Arizona, doing serious offensive damage to compensate for whatever emptiness they feel. Kurt Warner can hold up for a while, but this isn't Seattle's defense he's up against. It'll be like last week for each team, except precisely the opposite
MY PICK: New York 34, Arizona 21

Philadelphia at Washington
"Saying goodbye in their own way. Playing outlawed tunes on outlawed pipes." - Argyle Wallace (Brian Cox)
Let's face it: Jim Zorn was fired. When they won't let you call the plays anymore, then you're out of a job. All that saved him was the fact that the players came out and collectively called Daniel Snyder a moron, essentially daring him to fire Zorn. So this is the "compromise", so to speak. The Eagles are still licking their wounds from the embarassing loss to Oakland, which saw a 6'8" monster named King Dunlap get pushed around by an average defense, and Jeremiah Trotter demonstrate glacier-like speed in chasing down running backs. Philly seems to play better after laughable embarassments, and this time, I think they get to laugh. They'll still be #2 in Philly's hearts, but it's a start, right?
MY PICK: Philadelphia 27, Washington 14

When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded columnist or author. He tweets at http://twitter.com/mindofjrhsports and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.